


echoes of your heartbeat

by teapotpourri



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-05-28
Packaged: 2017-12-13 05:53:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/820754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teapotpourri/pseuds/teapotpourri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis and Harry get to know each other on their holidays in France. It’s something like love but then the summer is over and they part for school. One year later they meet again at university and Harry feels all the same feelings again but Louis has a boyfriend now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	echoes of your heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys. So this is my first One Direction fanfic ever and also the first I've written in English. So bear with me when you stumble over some grammatical inconveniences. And I haven't written smut before either - so ehm yeah. Hope you enjoy. (Also I suck at coming up with titles. Sorry!) - Love, Chris
> 
> This is a work of fiction.

_**1** _

 

Louis didn’t want to get up.

“Ah, come on, darling. It’s going to be so much fun!“ His mother tried to pull the covers of him but Louis hold onto them with all his might, wrapping them around him while he faced the wall. 

Jay sighed. “Look. We haven’t had much family time the past few months and now that we finally get some days off…” She didn’t finish her sentence because she knew what she was about to say wasn’t going to put Louis in a better mood.

“Why do you always do that?” Louis almost sounded whiningly.

“What do you mean?” She smiled innocently at her son who now finally looked her in the eyes, sitting up in his bed.

“You always make me feel guilty. This is so unfair.”

“Ah. Come on, honey. It’s not that bad. It’s only for 8 days. You can hang out with your friends all the rest of the holidays.”

Louis’ head dropped back into the pillow. “Okay”, he sighed. “But I won’t babysit the twins like all the time, yeah?”

Jay laughed. “Deal. Now get up. We leave in 20 minutes.”

 

*

 

At first he felt a little embarrassed. An 18-year-old boy going on holiday with his parents and his little sisters. Who does that? But he relaxed once he realized that he wasn’t the only one. The camping site was in fact full of young people. Some on their own, some sharing tents with their younger siblings, even some alone in a van with their parents.

Trinité-sur-Mer was a really small town in the North of France. Louis did not only love the hot sun setting on the Atlantic but also the sand between his toes, the salt on his skin and the flair on the market where they sold cheap clothes and art. His mother let out a desperate laughter when Louis came back with 3 pair of fake TOMS he bought one afternoon.

 

“Honey, why don’t go to the bar tonight? I heard they had some karaoke thing there?” Jay fell into the chair next to Louis who was sunbathing and reading  _Life of Pi_.

“Do you want to get rid of me or something?” He smiled mischievously and took off his sunglasses. “No. Your sisters are going to the kiddie contest tonight. I just thought it would be fun. More fun than hanging out with us adults.”

“I’m eighteen, mum. You don’t have to make plans for me.”

“Okay. I know you’re almost an adult, Louis. But sometimes…”

“So you  _do_  want to get rid of me, right?” Louis interrupted her, smirking. Jay opened her mouth in protest but Louis just said: “Okay. I’m going to go. But don’t expect me to head home early.” If Louis parties, he parties hard. Jay knew that and rolled her eyes: “Melissa is going to be there too. So…”

“Are you now trying to hook me up too?”

“No no.” Sometimes Jay didn’t know when she should take her son seriously. But now Louis just laughed. “Yeah. Okay, I’ll ask her if we want to go together.”

Melissa was a girl who camped with her younger brother and their parents just a few squares away from the Tomlinson’s. Louis liked her. She had brown hair, hazelnut eyes, a witty smile and the best thing was that she had the loudest laugh he had heard in a while. The second day they were in France Louis had been hanging out with some of the teenagers of the camping site, playing table tennis and drinking beer when she came along. A lot of the other boys where younger than him so he enjoyed having her attention, trying to make her laugh and being goofy in general. So why not?

 

*

 

Louis was late. Melissa literally dragged him by his hand. “Come on. The karaoke started already.” He pushed her hand away and went back in front of the mirror, sceptically fixing his hair.

“Am I not the one supposed to be glued to a mirror being insecure about my looks? You hair looks fine.” Louis raised his eyebrows: “Fine? Did you just say fine?”

“Don’t be stupid now. You are going to mess it up anyway.” That was a good point. “Okay.  _Fine._ ”

 

When they entered the bar, it was already filled with people. Some girls sang  _Angel_  by Robbie Williams on stage, almost screaming, making ridiculous moves with their hands. Louis could already taste the sweat and the alcohol in the air. After grabbing a pint at the bar he and Melissa managed to conquer two stools at the bar.

“Are you going to sing something?” she leaned over to Louis’ ear.

“Hell no!” 

“Oh. Why not?”

“Because I do not only feel insecure about my hair but also about my voice?” Louis joked but to some part it was true. Melissa looked at him disappointed but just shrugged with her shoulders: “Well then.” In that moment the “Angel”-girls finally got off stage, cheering more for themselves than anybody in the audience.

The first thing Louis saw was a bunch of hair. Curly, frizzy, brown hair, casting a shadow over his face. As the boy who just went on stage looked shyly up when he climbed on a bar stool, pulling the microphone nearer to his mouth, those green eyes hit Louis within a second. “Hi, my name is Harry.” His voice was low and dark, almost  slow, crawling through the crowd that now went silent. “I’m gonna sing  _Drops of Jupiter_  by Train.” Louis sighed a little and tensed up by the concentrated look of Harry when the music started playing.

Some people came to a karaoke event to make fun of themselves, to have some drunken experience on a stage, something to laugh about afterwards. Harry was not one of them. His voice easily filled the whole bar, Louis is not sure whether he ever experienced that the audience at some random karaoke night was as silent as it was now. He felt Harry’s low and husky voice creep under his skin and wasn’t surprised when he saw a goose flesh on Melissa’s arms. Once he looked up again he felt himself lost in those dimples which slowly dug into Harry’s flushed cheeks.

He didn’t notice he stopped singing before the people around him started clapping and whistling. “Thank you” he almost whispered timidly into the mic before climbing off stage, getting back to a table where he was welcomed with congratulating handshakes by some guys.

“Anybody else who wants to sing?” The bar manager’s English was broken. But no one stood up, too intimidated by Harry’s performance – at least that’s how Louis felt – so that the manager: “Well, then let’s party!” Immediately dance music rushed through the speakers and the light on the stage was dimmed so that the bar was now only lighted by blue and red lights, circling through the crowd which slowly got up to their feet and started dancing.

 

*

 

Melissa couldn’t dance. Once she begged Louis to go to the dance floor with him she started revolving him like a vulture some dead animal. At first Louis thought it was hilarious but then he looked across the room to the booth were Harry still sat with his friends, drinking pint after pint. Louis all of the sudden felt embarrassed. He didn’t mean to be mean when he gave Melissa a relieved expression when she said she had to go back to the camping site. He didn’t even consider coming along or escorting her back. So he just nodded and said: “Well then, see you around, I guess?” She smiled a little and left.

 

The alcohol rushed through his veins, making him spin around to the heated music. Once in a while he dared to shoot a glance over to Harry, wishing he would get up and dance with him. There was just something about him. Maybe it was the eyes, maybe the hair, maybe even those long legs which awkwardly clung to the table-leg.

 

The next time Louis caught a glimpse of Harry he was alone. His mates had left. He just stood their, leaning against the wall, a beer in his hand, his eyes wandering around. Louis’ cheek immediately flushed when those green eyes met his. He nervously smiled just with the edges of his lips, trying hard to keep his feet moving to beat of the music. Harry nodded slightly and his lips duck down to his glass but Louis could clearly see two dimples growing on his cheeks. His stomach started trembling as his feet subconsciously started moving towards Harry. Louis swallowed hard when Harry looked up from his drink again, straight into his eyes, a smile plastered on his face. Before Louis knew what he was doing, he stuck out his hand to meet Harry’s halfway.

“Hi. I’m Louis.”

Was it the alcohol that made his head spinning or those green eyes?

“Hi. I’m Harry.” Louis just laughed and let go off his hand.

“You’re quite a dancer, hm?” His voice was so husky that Louis couldn’t hear him.

“What?” He leaned over, nearly touching his cheek with his own, resting his hand on Harry’s chest. But he was too drunk to think about that now.

“You like to dance, don’t you?” Harry almost shouted into Louis’ ear.

Louis laughed again. He couldn’t help himself. “Yeah. Why not?”

Harry nodded slightly, sipping at his drink. Louis looked up into his eyes.

“You know, you’re quite talented yourself. I mean. That performance…”

“I’m not sure if this an accurate compliment, mate. I never said you were a  _talented_  dancer. I just noticed you  _like_  to dance.”

“Whatever.” He said sassily wiggling with his eyebrows. “So do you fancy a taste of my skills?” Before Harry could say anything, Louis grabbed Harry’s drink, put it down on the table next to them and dragged him on the dance floor. 

 

*

 

**_2_ **

Harry’s heart beat louder than the music surrounding them. He had felt the glances of Louis all night. Those ocean blue eyes stared right at him so that he almost stumbled over the lyrics of  _Drops of Jupiter_. This light brown fringe brushed into his forehead, getting sweaty as Louis started drinking and dancing. That astonishing smile which slowly crawled from the edges of his mouth to his cheeks until it reached his eyes. But Harry didn’t notice his bum until Louis just took his hand and dragged him on the dance floor.

The fact that Louis was a boy and he was about to dance with him didn’t weird him out. But the thought this didn’t seem weird to him sat immediately like a lump in his throat. Louis’ hand let go of him as he started to dance along to the heat of the bar and the air filled with sweat, beer and drumming bass.

Harry really tried hard not to stare at him but maybe he wasn’t that obvious as he thought. Getting distracted from his magnificent bum squeezed into a pair of grey skinny jeans by his smile, eyes and  _fuck_ those lips. Harry swallowed hard, feeling the lump growing in his throat.  _Shit._

He must have been pretty obvious after all as he catches Louis’ glance as he said: “You know, you actually have to move to be considered dancing, Harry.” Harry laughed nervously and tried to copy Louis’ moves and fails what feels miserably to him: “I have to admit. Your dancing skills are definitely better than mine.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. At least you have some sort of rhythm.”

“Would be depressing if I didn’t. I want to sell albums someday.”

“You do?” Louis looked a little surprised but then another genuine smile crossed his lips. “That’s really good, Harry. I think you definitely have the potential.”

Harry blushed a little: “Thanks.”

Louis threw his head back, the red light whirled around in the bar, Louis’ hair flew around his head, only some sweaty hairs stuck to his forehead. The second the DJ started playing Mike Posner’s  _Cooler Than Me_ Louis’ moves became edgy, he threw his arms in the air, snapping with his fingers. Harry laughed and mirrored him, singing along, moving closer and closer. As Mike Posner said  _shhh_ both of them simultaneously leaned forward and pressed their index finger on their lips. Laughing about their immaturity Harry grabbed Louis shoulder, dragging him closer to shout into his ear: “Do you want a drink?” Louis nodded: “Yes. Please.”

 

*

 

Louis didn’t really need time to warm up to talk to him. Harry rather had the feeling he couldn’t shut him up once Louis started after he bought him a pint. But Harry didn’t really mind though because he didn’t know what to say anyways. He was too occupied trying to focus on what Louis was telling him instead of drowning in those bright blue eyes. Even in the dim light of the bar they were lit like two gas flames. Although this seemed to be a weird picture Harry had no doubt that if he reached out his hands to touch Louis’ face they would either explode from sudden heat or start glowing in the dark.

“So, how old are you anyway, Harry?” Louis interrupted Harry’s train of thoughts.

Unsure Harry let his index finger run over the rim of his glass and muttered: “I’m sixteen.”

“Oh really?” Harry could read in Louis’ face that he was truly surprised.

“Yeah.” He took a sip from his drink and saw that Louis’ eyes followed his action. “Am I too young for you?” _No no no_. That wasn’t at all what he wanted to say. “Err… I mean to be friends with you?” He added quickly.

Louis laughed loudly. “Don’t be ridiculous. I just didn’t think you were that young. Considering you get drinks without a problem and I don’t know. General impression, I guess.”

Harry sighed in relief. “Good.” He simply said and grinned a little. Louis was beaming right back and  _fuck._ This wasn’t at all how Harry expected the events of the evening to turn out.

 

*

 

If Louis hadn’t got a text message from his mum they easily could have sat there until the sun rose the next morning. Only then they realized that it was getting late.

“Aren’t your parents worried?” Louis tucked his phone back into his pocket, climbing of the barstool.

“I’m not here with my parents.” Harry grabbed his jumper, slipping it over his head and squeezing his arms into its sleeves. “I’m with some youth group. My parents are divorced and that’s how I avoided having to decide where to spend my holidays.”

“Ah. I see.” They made their way to the door. Louis pushed it open. “So those mates of yours, earlier, they are with you here?”

Stepping outside Harry frowned playfully: “You were like spying on me the whole evening, didn’t you?” Maybe it was the light but Harry thought he saw Louis blushing a little.

“You caught me, dammit.” Louis’ laugh echoed over the almost empty parking lot. When Louis threw his head back Harry would have to tell the biggest lie that the moment the dim shine of the streetlights hit his face wasn’t one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen.

Louis stopped as they reached the entrance of the parking lot. “So, where do you stay? And don’t they have some sort of curfew? It’s almost 1 am and you’re sixteen.”

“They tell us to be back at half one. But I guess I missed that one.” Harry shrugged.

“Aren’t you going to get in trouble? They’re maybe already looking for you, Harry.”

The way Louis said his name made him feel  _aware_.

Aware that he had missed the curfew because he was with probably the most fascinating boy and he couldn’t bring himself to feel guilty about it. Aware that his heart shouldn’t beat that fast. Aware that he couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Aware of his hair which looked like it was as soft as velvet. Aware of his almost azure eyes. And finally aware of those lips which were thin but Harry couldn’t help himself but comparing them too young peaches.

“Erm.” Harry cleared his throat, trying to collect his thoughts. “I don’t know to be honest. Maybe, I guess. But they’ve got my phone number and they could’ve called.” Harry pulled out his phone to check if someone tried to get a hold of him but the screen was blank. “See? But you’re right. I think I better get back.”

“Yeah. I should get going to.”

They both stood there undecided, looking at each other.

“Err. It was nice to meet you, Louis.” Harry finally took a step forward and reached out for Louis’ hand. Louis’ eyes moved from their hands meeting in a slow handshake back to Harry’s eyes. That’s when he took one step towards the curly haired boy, throwing the other arm around Harry, pulling him into a hug. “Well. That wasn’t awkward at all.” Louis laughed when the younger boy hugged him back. When Harry suddenly pulled back Louis’ face struck an emotion of confusion before he let out a breathless gasp when Harry met him again as sudden as he had pulled away. But this time it wasn’t Harry’s patting hand on his back. It were his fingers around his neck and  _oh_.

 

*

 

Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it wasn’t the alcohol at all. Maybe it was just that Harry really wanted to kiss him. Kiss him right there in front of that bar they first met which he imagined to be possibly a start of _something_. Something he didn’t get his mind around quite yet. Something which could be both a friendship and this special connection he didn’t even know existed until now. Something  _more_.

When he crushed his lips on Louis’ his mind went blank. He couldn’t think about how he just had thrown himself at this boy he barely knew. How he practically attacked him. How easy it was to kiss a guy. There were only his lips pressing onto those soft, peachy lips which belonged to those wide in surprise and darkening blue eyes.

 

Louis didn’t move. He didn’t pull back. But he also didn’t lean in. He just stood there letting himself be kissed. But when Harry softened his grip and his lips moved backwards, still hovering a few millimetres away from Louis’, Louis jumped off his carousel of thoughts and pulled Harry back into a kiss with both his hands wrapping around his neck.

 

Nibbling gently at his lower lip Harry closed his eyes. The sensation rushing down his spine when he felt Louis’ tongue tip smoothly sliding over his upper lip made him instantly open his mouth just that necessary bit that Louis’ tongue could slip in. He slightly sucked at it, being unbelievably aware of his wildly panting heart threatening his chest to explode. Opening his mouth a little further, he shoved one hand in Louis’ hair, letting one by one finger run through it.

 

They lost track of the world around them and most importantly time. And again it was a buzzing phone taking them back to reality.

“Shit” Harry cursed fishing out his mobile, pressing it to his ear as he murmured: “I’m on way. I’m sorry. Give me ten minutes, okay? I’m really sorry.”

When he looked up at Louis again he realized that he still had his fingers tangled into the boy’s hair. Timidly he pulled his hand back, shoving both his phone and his hands into his pockets.

Although he couldn’t say he knew already everything about Louis just yet the thought that the older boy was untypically quiet crossed Harry’s mind.

Did he scare him off? But he did kiss him back though.

Meeting Louis’ gaze again Harry smiled apologetically. “I really have to run now.” He paused for a second. “But why don’t you come to the beach tomorrow? At about 10.30, at that huge sign down the stairs?”

Louis’ nod and a wide smile stretching those beautiful lips made Harry’s heart skip. If he had had the might over how time functions he would have skipped his hours of sleep immediately in order to hang out with that mesmerizing boy from Doncaster right away.

 

*

 

**_3_ **

“Come on. Pick up, Niall”, Harry murmured urgently into his phone, nervously letting his biro snap. After two more rings he finally heard a little cough on the other side of the line followed by a sleepy “What’s up, Harry?”

“Did I wake you or something? I’m sorry.”

“Nah. It’s all right. Although - oh fuck, it’s only 9. Why do you call me so early?”

Harry grabbed his bag from the table and stepped outside into a quite cold morning. “You will never guess who I just saw in the campus cafeteria.”

“Okay. I’m sure I will not. So why don’t you tell me?”

Harry hesitated a second before he bit his lip saying lowly: “Louis.”

For a moment the line went silent apart from heavy breathing from Harry’s side.

“Like in Louis from last summer?” Niall finally said.

“Yeah”, Harry breathed out.

He now wondered why he called Niall in the first place? Why did he feel the strong urge to share this? Until he had spoken out Louis name aloud the fact that he had actually just seen  _him_  on _his_  campus hadn’t completely sunk into Harry’s mind.

This was only his first day at university and aside from being confused by all the different buildings he had to go to and strange new policies regarding exams he didn’t expect to meet anyone he knew. Above all Louis.

 

*

 

The moment he spotted the feathery light brown hair in the crowd he immediately knew it was him. Less tan than the last time he saw him but once Louis turned his head slightly to talk to some girl Harry could see that Louis hasn’t changed a thing in about 14 months. Although he must have been about 35 feet away Harry saw the same spark in Louis’ eyes, the same gesture when Louis’ fingers searched for his fringe to stroke it out of his eyebrows and the same smile which seemed to set fire on the people surrounding him.

Harry swallowed and sat there starry-eyed for a few moments, memories rushing through his mind. How high was the probability that he picked the same university as the boy he met last summer in France? What kind of sick joke was this?

His eyes fixated on the back of Louis’ head he couldn’t move until someone almost fell over his bag next to his chair. “Jesus, can you get that bag out of the way?” some voice hissed.

Confused and startled at the same time Harry stuttered a “sorry” without once turning his head towards the guy. Sinking underneath the table he grabbed his bag but his glance wandered back to Louis.

Glaring at Louis’ tight jeans Harry saw a hand sliding up Louis’ thigh and grabbing his hand, intertwining their fingers. Harry stopped breathing for a second. Feeling a small pinch in his stomach he rose again, almost hitting his head on the edge of the table. Putting his bag on the table he turned his head once again, now identifying the face to the hand.

He was gorgeous. His dark fringe hung lowly in his pan, a pair of deep brown eyes peeking from underneath his striking black eyebrows. Judging by his clothes he must have been some sort of business student.

Why did the sight of them kind of hurt? It had been over before it actually really began last year and Harry hadn’t thought about Louis for months. Why did his stomach still feel a little sick when he grabbed his phone and dialled Niall’s number?

*

 

“Okay” Niall said slowly, “Did you talk to him?”

“No!” Harry quickly said, adding: “No, I didn’t. And he didn’t see me either. I think.”  
“Well. Do you want to?”

“Uhm. No.” It was more of a question than a statement. “No, I mean yes.” Harry paused. “Ah fuck. Maybe.”

“Okay” Niall said once again. “I think you need to calm down, Haz.”

“I am calm.”

“Yeah. That’s why you’re calling me at fucking 9 am and are undecided whether you like the idea of Louis being at your university or not.”

“I – I don’t -“ he interrupted himself, pushing one hand desperate through his curls, “I don’t know. This is just really weird and awkward.”

“Of course it is. He’s some sort of your ex. But Harry?”

“Yeah?” Harry whispered.

“You know I love you and all that but please don’t get into this shit again.” Niall sounded concerned but Harry just sighed annoyed.

“How many times do I have to tell you that this wasn’t all on him? And that I got hung up about it was only because he was the first. We were not in love or something and I’m definitely not going for another try with him anyway, okay?” Harry snapped.

“Don’t jazz me. I’m not stupid. I’m not saying you were in love with him but you were seriously smitten.” Harry thought for a second about denying it but then Niall muttered:  “And I know you, Haz.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That you’re not over him for Christ’s sake. You never were.”

“There never was anything to get over actually. I haven’t thought about him in months.”

“And why are you getting so hysterical now? Seriously, Harry. I don’t judge you or anything. Although I’ve never met him he seems like a great guy but just don’t go there again.”

“You make it sound like I was going to kill myself. I was miserable, yeah. But that wasn’t all his fault. It was me, Niall. I couldn’t come to terms with myself and he just pushed me over some edge, okay? He didn’t even push me on purpose. That just happened. And by the way, even if I wanted another shot with him it would never happen.”

“And why is that?”

“He’s got a boyfriend” Harry gulped.

“Oh” was all that he heard from the other side of the line.

 

*

 

Harry decided not to do anything about it. It was not like he would cross Louis’ way too often anyway. But he turned out to be totally wrong about that during the next two weeks. He saw him everywhere. In the cafeteria, in front of the bookshop, in the courtyard, next to the cycle stand and in the line at the bakery across the street. Every time he saw him Harry almost immediately turned around on his heels and went the other way.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Liam asked the other day when Harry just had mumbled “Can you get me a croissant?” pressing some coins in Liam’s hand and leaving the bakery to wait for him across the street almost hiding behind a van.

Harry and Liam met only a few days back at some lecture and they just started talking frequently and went for a beer last friday. Truth is that Harry didn’t know him at all and neither did Liam know Harry.

“I’m sorry. It’s just…” Harry paused. “I’m weird sometimes.”

Liam laughed at that and pressed the croissant into Harry’s hand. Harry silently sighed relieved because Liam didn’t ask any more questions.

“Anyways. Real funny story just happened to me.” Liam bit into his baguette.

 “I just ran into an old friend. I didn’t even know he was going here. The world is a small place.” Harry said “ditto” in his mind at that.

“Anyways, he was inviting me to some flat party on thursday. You want to come too?”

Harry thought for a second. Was that old friend of Liam’s Louis or was that just his paranoia? “Where are you from, Liam?” Harry asked out of the blue.

Liam was obviously confused: “Wolverhampton. Why? Is that somewhat relevant?”

“No, no. I was just wondering… because of your accent, you know?” Sometimes Harry was proud of his lies that almost felt like the truth even to him. He also concluded that Louis wasn’t the friend Liam was talking about.

“Ah okay. So are you coming?” Liam nudges into Harry’s side.

“Yeah.” Harry nodded. “Why not?”

 

*

 

The flat was crowded. The floor trembled under the beat of the music. It already smelled like loads of booze and sweat.

“I’m just going to say hi to our host here.” Liam said and pushed through the crowd looking out for his friend. Harry tried to follow him as he didn’t know anybody here. Not that he knew of anyway. Once he spotted who Liam was talking to his jaw dropped and froze right in the doorway of the kitchen.  _Louis._  Of fucking course.

He tried to turn on his heels like all these times in those two weeks but it was already too late when Liam shouted: “Hey Harry. Come meet my friend.”

Hesitantly he walked towards them when he first met Louis’ glance at him. He was just as in shock as Harry. No, maybe even more so. Harry could feel his stomach turn upside down right away. Trying hard to play it cool he patted Liam on his back who threw confused glances between Harry and Louis back and forth. “You don’t have to introduce us. We already know each other.” Harry mumbled and looked down to his feet not daring to look into Louis’ eyes again.

“Oh. Okay.” Liam laughed awkwardly. “Like I said. Weird how small the world is. Right, Louis?”

“Most definitely.” Louis was still very much in surprise but Harry also heard the warm kindness in his voice so that he finally took a closer look at him.

Up close Louis was even more overwhelming than from the distant that was for sure. But Harry couldn’t even concentrate on Louis as in Louis as a person as he felt mesmerized by Louis as in Louis’ eyes.

“Hi.” Louis simply said.

Harry blinked and breathed out slowly. “Hey.”

 

*

 

“Uhm. So how are you?” Harry asked. Liam had left to get some drinks and probably also because the whole situation was really awkward. But at least he didn’t ask any questions how they knew each other.

“I’m good. Bit busy with school and stuff, but yeah. And you? What are you doing?”

“Eh. I just started here at uni. I’m trying to get a degree in Popular Music. So far it’s all good.”

“Oh really? That’s great. I’m in my second year here now and I’m sure you’ll enjoy it here just as much as I do. It’s great, you know? Lots of different people with lots of different interests.”

Harry nodded. He knew Louis was kind of rambling because he wanted to ease this awkward conversation. “Yeah. I mean, I’ve already met some cool people. So it shouldn’t be so hard to feel at home here sometime soon. How do you know Liam anyways?”

“Oh Liam and I go way back actually. We went to a football summer camp once when we were about 12 I think. I mean I was 13 and he probably was 12.”

Harry nodded again. For a moment they both fell silent until Harry saw once more Louis’ face struck by surprise. “How do you go to uni already? I thought you were 16 and that would mean you’re 17 now, aren’t you?”

“Yeah. But I skipped a class once.” He didn’t like brag about it, from time to time he was actually embarrassed. “But what about you, Louis?” he added quickly, “What are studying?”

“Literature and drama. The stage is like my second home. Maybe just like yours, too?” Louis smiled and drank a few sips through his straw from his mojito. “Yeah. Maybe.” Harry stammered a little. When his eyes met Louis he had a shy smile on his lips too and although it was very awkward it felt so familiar at the same. 

Harry wasn’t too surprised either when Louis actually voiced what he was feeling too: “So this is a little awkward.” He laughed almost too loudly as it wasn’t actually a joke. “But yeah, I mean. It’s great to see you. Weird but great.”

“Yeah. Definitely weird. I mean of all places I could have picked.”

“Are you implying this was some kind of fate?” Louis laughed again while Harry stayed silent, a strong discomfort feeling rushing through his chest.

“Because if you believe so, I do too.” Louis said to Harry’s surprise. With one quick move he clutched at Harry’s shirt on his left shoulder and drew him into his right side. “We will have to drink to our friendship once Liam finally comes back with some booze.”

“Yeah. Okay. Friendship.” Harry muttered and almost couldn’t stop himself from facepalming because this was exactly what Niall was talking about.

Once he met eyes with Louis again and now that he had his body right next to him, actually slightly touching his shoulder blade, he knew that a friendship was no easy thing to do for him. This was only proven further when later that night Louis, a drunken mess as he was, practically dry humped his gorgeous boyfriend on the dance floor, nuzzled into his neck when the dark haired boy was talking to someone und had an unashamed made out session with him in the corner of the kitchen.

That was when he left. It was still early and he was the least drunk person in the whole place but he didn’t want to watch any more of this. So he just left. He didn’t even say goodbye to Liam who was in deep conversation with some girl because he didn’t even want to bother about whether or whether not Liam would ask him about Louis or why he was leaving so early. But Harry was sure Liam didn’t mind too much. After all he thought Harry was weird already.

 

*

 

 

**_4_ **

The bright sun light burned in his eyes. Grumpily squeezed Louis them shut again and turned to face the wall. He had no idea what time it was but definitely not time to get up just yet.

“Ah come on, Louis!” Ian pulled on the sheets but Louis hold tightly onto them, only one foot peaking out of the covers. Before he could retract it, Ian already got a hold of it and started tickling his sole. Angrily kicking his foot into Ian’s stomach Louis snapped: “Get off of me!”

Defeated the dark haired boy let go of Louis. “Jesus, you’re moody today.” But Louis already rolled onto his side again, trying hard to fall back asleep again.

“Do you want some tea?” Ian shouted from the kitchen. What kind of question was that even? Louis decided just to mumble a little although there was no way Ian could actually hear him.

Just a few minutes later there was a warm cup pressing against his cheek and the slight smell of peppermint in the air. “Okay, okay” Louis sighed and opened his eyes, grabbing the cup as he sat up in the bed. Ian crawled with his own cup under the sheets right next to him. Quietly Louis took a few sips. Oh god, his head must have gotten under a train yesterday. He could feel Ian’s glances but really didn’t want to look at him right now. But he was unsure why exactly that was the case.

Ian had enough of the silence that hang heavily between them. “So, what exactly happened last night?”

Good question. Louis rubbed with his index finger over his right eye. “I don’t know. I was hoping you could tell me because I…” Louis paused and let his finger run over the rim of his cup. “I don’t remember that well.”

“Uhm. You got really drunk, Lou. That’s actually all I know.” Louis now looked into his eyes the first time this morning. Behind all those different shades of brown he saw a glimmer of concern. Louis just shrugged it off: “Not the first time, wouldn’t it?”

“No” Ian said slowly and sat his cup down onto the nightstand next to him. “But you weren’t just drunk. You were pissed out of your mind before I even arrived.”

“Uh” Louis just said but his mind was running.

 

*

 

Yes. He vaguely remembered taking one shot after another. Banging his glass on the counter again and again until Zayn took him by his arm and dragged him to the toilets.

“What the fuck is going on, Louis?” he had shouted and Louis remembered that he saw someone quickly making his exit out of the stalls and back to the party. But that was just so Zayn. He just didn’t give a fuck what others thought or what they might witness.

Louis had tried to push Zayn off of him but Zayn’s grip was strong and he certainly didn’t let go until Louis had calmed down again. Or maybe calm was the wrong word because he had been trying very hard to keep his tears back when Zayn pulled him into a hug.

“What is wrong?” Zayn asked again but now in a very low and worried voice while he stroked Louis’ hair. Louis swallowed a lonely tear back down but he just couldn’t speak.

“Is it Ian?” Zayn felt Louis’ head shaking.

“What is it? Talk to me.”

Finally Louis wiggled himself out of Zayn’s embrace. “I’m sorry” he had mumbled, his eyes fixed on Zayn’s Converse “I..- I’m just a little drunk…- I guess”

“Yeah, you are.” Zayn had gotten Louis’ chin between two fingers and had made him look into his eyes. “But why?”

Louis just shrugged and replied nonchalantly: “It’s a party, innit?”

He knew that it would make Zayn laugh, at least a little and he wasn’t wrong this time either. “Yeah. Hell it is. But you haven’t been like this since… I don’t know. Since before Ian I guess.”

“Only because I have been boring for way too long doesn’t mean I was going to be a fucking saint forever, Zayn.” Louis’ words were harsh and Zayn almost immediately moved back a small step, dropping his hand from Louis’ face.

Sighing in resign Zayn lifted both his hands. “So you clearly don’t want my help. That’s just fine.” His disappointed look shifted and turned into something like anger. “Why don’t you just go talk to your old or new friends or whatever. To who you haven’t even introduced me.” When he saw Louis’ head dropping again he added with his tongue heavy of sarcasm: “Thank you fucking much.” Before Louis could have done anything Zayn had slammed the bathroom door behind him and just like that he was gone. Louis didn’t see him at the party later on when he faced it again after he had made sure that he didn’t look like the mess he felt.

 

*

 

“I got into a fight with Zayn.” Knowing it was only half, or even only a fourth, of the truth Louis wasn’t able to put it into words what he was so upset about. Mostly because huge parts of that night didn’t dawn on him just yet.

“Okay” Ian gulped. “About what?”

Louis stared into his empty cup. “I don’t remember. Non sense probably.”

And that was it. Ian didn’t push him any further. But Louis was unsure whether it was because he didn’t care, he really thought that was the whole truth or because he simply respected that Louis didn’t feel like talking about it.

 

After Ian had left Louis’ apartment, saying something about a paper he had to write, Louis went on a hunt for his phone which he apparently dropped next to his toilet last night. At least it didn’t land  _in_  the toilet. The smell of puke was undeniable so that Louis flushed the toilet several times after he put some cleanser into it.

There was a new message on his phone from a number he didn’t recognize. Thumbing the message open, the last remaining bits and pieces of last night dawned onto him as he read the text:

 

_was nice seeing you again mate. u wanna catch up proply sum time? liam_

 

*

 

Louis wasn’t sure how he felt when he saw Harry coming through the crowd. To be honest, he was still confused by meeting Liam a few days earlier but Harry that was just something completely different. He was in shock that was for sure.

Trying to hold a conversation with him was awkward although Louis tried really hard to sound interested in what Harry had to say. Not that he wasn’t interested but the flash backs running through his mind where undeniable. Dealing with this uncomfortable situation he did all he could to keep this short but not too short to come over as rude. For fuck’s sake, he even babbled something about fate and friendship to get over with it!

He got drunk after that. That was his avoiding method.

But now that he was sober again he couldn’t just get that bottle of whiskey from the top shelf which he once bought to match his pirate costume for a party but didn’t enjoy drinking too much.

To distract himself he would normally call Zayn, do something fun. Or he would just go over to Ian’s. But both those options weren’t really a good choice today. Apologizing to Zayn was definitely on the to-do-list but first he had to get his own head around things. That’s probably exactly what he should do anyway.

Bearing this thought in mind he went back to his room, kneeling down as he crawled half way under his bed. Finally his fingertips found what they were looking for. The box was dusty, considering that he hadn’t touched it in months that wasn’t anything surprising.

As soon as he took off the lit all those memories he tried to push away last night came rushing back.

 

*

 

The day after Louis and Harry met at the bar they went to the beach together. Louis thought it would be awkward because he certainly was intoxicated the night before but Harry seemed very comfortable when he hugged him so Louis loosened up a little.

There were many people about their age on the beach but Louis’ feet blindly followed Harry who directed him to a space nowhere near the naked skin of those teenage girls and boys.

“Brilliant weather, innit?” Harry asked when he spread out his towel in the sand, kicking off his shoes. Louis turned around to face the wide open water which came rushing onto the coast in small waves. The sun burned hot on their skin, Louis tipped his sun glasses from his head down to his nose and smiled: “Yes. It is.”

They both fell silent for a minute before Louis took off his shirt, already sweating a little in the heat. “So, you wanna go for a swim then?”

“Yeah sure.” Harry hesitated when his fingers reached out to take off his shirt.

“What’s wrong, Harry?” Harry just shook his head and laughed a little. “Nah. It’s stupid. This is just the part where I should probably warn you.”

“Warn me?”

“Yes. I have four nipples.” Louis almost laughed at that but Harry’s serious face told him enough not to joke about this. Instead he just said: “Well. Okay. So what?”

The smile on Harry’s face came slowly back. “Some people think I’m weird.”

“If they think that’s weird then they don’t want to get to know me. And if you ask me I think it just makes you even more special.” Louis imagined his best friend Zayn gagging at that sentence but it just slipped out of his mouth and hey, that was okay because that’s what Harry convinced to rip his shirt off and run straight into the water.

Laughing Louis caught up, jumped onto his back and pushed him down into the water.

 

*

 

The next days passed in what felt like heart beat. They met at the beach, they cycled along the coast together and went to town on the market. In the evenings they sometimes met up with some of Harry’s friends from the camp and they played table tennis, went to the bar or played on the gambling machines in the common room of the camping site.

It was easy being together and Louis’ mum was happy that he made friends. What she didn’t know obviously was that Harry never really was not only a friend. Not when they stood in dark corner, holding each other in the dim light of the moon, kissing slowly and sometimes Louis couldn’t resist slipping his fingers under Harry’s shirt. The first time he did that Harry shyly withdrew his own hand from Louis’ neck and breathed out heavily. That was the time when Louis figured that Harry was all new to this. Not to kissing and touching but with kissing and touching a boy. Louis himself only ever kissed guys twice before and he was drunk those times too. But now there was Harry. Maybe the first kiss was encouraged by alcohol but almost every other kiss they shared since then was not influenced by alcohol although Louis couldn’t confirm he was sober either. Because he was lovestoned. That was at least his conclusion when he wondered why he didn’t freak out while listening to some Justin Timberlake. But maybe Harry was freaking out. Louis wasn’t sure about that but he didn’t ask him about it either.

Louis just wanted to enjoy his time with him. Not worry about tomorrow until the day of Harry’s departure arrived.

 

When Harry stood with his luggage in the driveway of the camping site, ready to go back home, it hit Louis. They hadn’t talked about anything. When they went to the sanitary facilities to have a moment for themselves, they locked the stall of the shower and fell in each other’s arm and didn’t move a bit for quite a while.

“Do you think you can let go of me?” Harry mumbled into Louis’ hair and only hesitatingly Louis backed away a little.

“What now?” It was a question he himself didn’t know the best answer to.

Harry squinted in the dazzling light of the sanitation. “Call me” was all he said before he leaned down to Louis and finally kissed him.

 

Louis waved when the bus left but Harry didn’t have a seat by the window so the last time he saw him was when he turned around on the stairs of the bus and beamed at him. But Louis didn’t realize the hole Harry left until the next day when he once again sat alone in a chair, reading. His family was there and so was Melissa who still didn’t give up on becoming his friend. Louis tried because he still had another four days in France and wasn’t too eager to hang out with his parents and little sisters.

He went with Melissa to a beach party and he even recognized some faces. But that was exactly the problem. When Harry was around he didn’t care about what the others thought of him. Obviously he didn’t snog with Harry in front of everybody but by the comments Louis had to listen to at that party they weren’t that subtle as he thought they had been.

That was when his best holidays turned into the worst.

That was when he got drunk and puked into his parent’s tent.

That was also when he, mostly subconsciously, decided not to call Harry.

*

 

**_5_ **

 

It was only week three of uni and Harry already considered just staying in bed for the rest of the semester. But when he looked at his phone he was reminded of Liam’s text on Saturday.

 

_what happend to u last night? hope u got home safe. c u on monday._

****

He knew he couldn’t leave Liam hanging. Neither of them had made too many friends yet in their class and he already felt bad about his text back:

 

_sry_ _._

****

He didn’t even properly type “sorry”.

With a deep sigh Harry rolled out of bed, toddling into the bathroom. A glance into the mirror showed all what he needed to see to be reminded of his terrible weekend.

On Saturday he didn’t do anything apart from that pathetic text to Liam. Only once he got out of bed to get eating supplies for the rest of the day. He watched half a season of  _Friends_ and was glad that none of his flatmates asked any questions or even bothered to knock on his door at all. On Sunday he called his mum. They talked for about an hour but Harry didn’t once mention Louis or anything about the party really. What was the point anyway? Louis was just someone he once knew. And now it was not like they were going to be friends although Louis said so. His actions showed Harry that he actually didn’t want to be friends with Harry and Harry should be glad.

Louis was the guy who fucked up the first time and there was no reason to give it a second chance. Apart from his deep blue eyes maybe. And the crinkles by his eyes when he smiled. And his soft caramel hair. And…

 

*

 

“What’s up, Styles?”

Harry frowned and turned around. “Ah. It’s you. Morning to you too, Liam.”

Liam patted him on the back and they fell into matching steps as they walked into class.

“So, what happened to you on Friday?” Liam asked carefully, throwing his bag on a desk in the last row.

Harry chewed on his bottom lip, thinking. “Nah. I was just not feeling too well.”

That wasn’t even a lie. Liam just nodded and it seemed like he was satisfied with that answer or maybe he just felt like it wasn’t his place to push his new friend. But clearly Liam didn’t see a connection between Harry’s odd behaviour and Louis when he asked: “How do you know Louis actually?” Harry slowly sat down on his chair, unpacking a biro and a book before he hesitantly turned to Liam.

“I don’t want to lie, Liam.” Confusion flitted over his friend’s face. Harry swallowed. He didn’t have _that_  talk with him yet and this was just really terrible timing.

“Can we please talk about this at lunch or something. I don’t… I don’t want everyone to hear this.” Liam only nodded but Harry felt his side-glances on him during the whole class.

 

*

 

Liam was cool. Not that Harry would have thought he wouldn’t be but from his own experience he knew better not to expect too much of anybody. When they sat down for lunch in the yard on campus, Harry told Liam that he was gay. He also told him that he and Louis had a thing when they met in France and that they broke apart when they went home.

He didn’t tell him about how he waited for Louis to call him night after night, how he tried calling him until a voice on the other side of the line informed him that this number was no longer taken. He didn’t tell him how he tried to convince his mother to drive him to Doncaster although he didn’t know where Louis exactly lived or even to which school he went. He also didn’t tell him that the day he finally deleted Louis’ number he told his friends at school that he was into boys. And the last thing he wanted to tell Liam was how everyone at school knew after that, how someone sprayed “faggot” on his locker, how they talked behind his back and how even some teachers gave him odd looks.

Instead Harry asked Liam about him and Louis. Right after he posed the question, he immediately regretted it. How was he supposed to stop thinking about this whole mess when his instincts told him to just know more and more about the boy he allegedly fell out of love with already months ago?

Liam must have seen his discomfort because he didn’t answer the question. Instead they both fell silent for a moment, eating their take-away curry. Finally Liam almost whispered: “Harry?” Harry looked up and saw the tenderness in those brown eyes. “Hm?” - “Do you mind if I ask a question?”

Harry chewed slower before he muttered: “No, go on.”

“I know we don’t really know each other yet but I really like you and I see that you are… I don’t know. A bit _off_  maybe. I really just want to help you and don’t think that I might run to Louis and tell him all about it. Because I won’t. To be honest, I feel like I know you longer then him because he and I, we haven’t had contact in a few years now.”

Harry nodded and said: “Just spill it, Liam. What do you want to know?” Maybe it was good talking to him instead of calling Niall who was too busy anyways.

“I think I’m still in process of taking in all this new… information I guess? Before Friday I didn’t even knew that  _Louis_  was gay or whatever, I don’t even know how he labels himself. If he even does so.” Liam felt Harry’s look. He was rambling, again.

“My point being: I don’t really know either of you and I want to be your friend.” Harry nodded slightly: “And your question?”

Liam poked a little around in his curry. “Did you leave because of him on Friday?”  
Okay. So this was really honesty hour, wasn’t it? “Yes.” Harry simply answered.

Liam seemed uncertain how to react. “Do you want to talk about it or should I just shut up?” Harry opened his mouth in response but no word escaped his lips because in exactly that moment he spied no other than Louis, hand in hand with the tall, dark haired boy.

They went to a table near the cafeteria where another dark haired boy sat. Harry thinks he might have been at the party on Friday too. Louis and the other dark haired boy who wasn’t his boyfriend seemed to argue. Louis’ boyfriend let go of Louis’ hand and kissed him lightly on his lips before he went into the cafeteria. Finally Louis sat down at the table, grabbing the other boy’s hands, seemingly insistently talking to him until an honest smile crossed Louis’ lips when the other boy approvingly nodded.

Liam without a doubt had followed Harry’s concentrated look. “That’s Zayn. Has been best friends with Louis for forever I think,” he remarked.

“And that other guy… Louis’ boyfriend?” Harry hesitantly enquired.

“His name’s Ian. But that’s about all I know really.”

Harry was glad that Louis didn’t seem to notice them although they were not that far away from them. Moments later Ian returned to them, balancing a tray with two dishes and two drinks, setting each of one down in front of Louis. The grateful glance Louis threw in Ian’s direction hurt in Harry’s chest.

“Can we go, Liam?” he almost whispered, grabbing his bag and his jacket he sat on. Without any remark Liam picked up his own stuff and ran after Harry who already was half way across the yard.

Liam didn’t ask any further questions. He knew that Louis wasn’t a done deal for Harry.

 

*

 

Avoiding Louis and Ian on campus became a daily thing after that. Harry never expected the campus too be so small or was Louis just never in class and only ever outside the actual classrooms on campus?

One afternoon Liam was over at Harry’s, playing some accords on Harry’s guitar while Harry rummaged through a box for a book he promised to lend Liam.

“You know, you should talk to him, Harry.” Liam said conversationally.

“And what shall I say then? ‘Hey Louis. You know, you said you wanted to be friends and well, let’s be friends but that boyfriend of yours. Well, he has to go.”

“Don’t be so damn sarcastic. It’s just not healthy what you’re doing. You,  _we_  should enjoy our time here at university. It’s supposed to be fun and there are many fish in the sea but you – no offense – try to hard to avoid him. You don’t even know him anymore. Maybe he’s a totally different person and you’ll forget all about him.”

“That sounds a little too optimistic to me, Liam.”

“Come on. Just try, please.”

Harry sighed. He felt guilty about dragging Liam into his misery and not only that he also kept Liam from growing closer to Louis again, didn’t he?

“Alright. I’ll talk to him.”

 

*

 

And he really did. “Suck it up, Styles” he whispered to himself when he sighted Louis in front of the bulletin board in the entrance hall.

“Hi Louis” he said with a side-glance as he approached the board and pretended to be interested in an old bike which was up for sale.

“Oh. Hi.” Louis seemed surprised, maybe even a little shocked. But after he cleared his throat he nonchalantly asked: “So, how you’re doing?”

“Ah. I’m good. How are you? Haven’t seen you around since, you know, the party.” Harry bit on his tongue. “Yeah, been quite busy. But it’s all good.” And Harry almost laughed because from what he had seen, Louis didn’t seem too busy actually. They both just flat out lied to each other. This was a good start, wasn’t it?

“So, you and that Ian guy, I’ve heard.” Harry said in passing, ripping the number of the person selling the used bike off of the advert.

“Yeah. Ian’s great. Been together now for a while, actually.” Louis was weirdly taciturn. Maybe he did change after all, Harry thought.

“And you?”

“Haven’t been with anybody for a while now,” Harry said quietly. The truth was, he never really was properly with anybody. Apart from Louis and the girls he dated in middle school but that didn’t really count either, did it?

“That’s just as well. Enjoying single life, hm? Some days I’d give my little toe for being single for just that one day.” Harry just hummed a little, not sure what to think about that statement.

“You know what? We should all go out together. You, Liam, Ian and me.” Louis suddenly suggested. Confused Harry looked up and his eyes met Louis’ for the first time during their conversation. They were even bluer than he remembered. “O-Okay” he stammered helplessly.

“Just give me your number and we’ll see when it fits best for all of us, yeah?”

Speechless Harry fumbled his phone out of his pocket and handed it over to Louis who typed in his number and rang his own phone.

“Great seeing you again, Harry” Louis smiled as he turned but Harry just stood there, not able to move.  _Shit._

 *

 

_**6** _

Louis wished Friday would never come. But then it was Friday and Ian told him that he had to work that night so he wouldn’t be able to come along clubbing. “But why don’t you ask Zayn? I’m pretty sure he’ll go with you.” And before Louis had Ian’s absence as a really lame excuse to call the whole night off, Ian already dialled Zayn’s number who of course was keen as mustard. Zayn doesn’t miss a party in the world. Especially not when Louis was going too. In that moment Louis wished he had told Ian about Harry being his sort of ex. And why didn’t Zayn - who was in the known of Louis’ awkward position by now - get it? When he heard the name “Harry” it should have immediately clicked but Louis reckoned the only thing his best mate heard was “party” and “Louis will buy you drinks”.

“Why did you say that? I’m certainly not buying Zayn drinks, my love.”

Ian just grinned satisfied. He loves riling Louis up and normally so does Louis but instead of playfully hitting Ian like he usually did Louis frowned at him.

“Ah, come on, Lou! Lighten up. You don’t have to buy drinks for Zayn. I just wanted you to go and you always do when Zayn comes along.”

“Do you want to get rid of me or something?”

Louis was confused. Normally Ian would almost be glad that Louis just stayed in when he himself couldn’t go out. Not that they didn’t trust each other but that one time it happened anyway and Louis kissed some random bloke. Or that guy rather kissed him but it’s still nothing Louis was proud of, especially not since Ian was so forgiving and all that after all the things he did for him.

 

Ian shook his head and took Louis’ face between his two hands, running his right index over his cheek. “Nah. I just noticed that you were a bit tense lately. You need some fun, babe. Go out, catch up with these old friends of yours and I’ll come along next time, alright?” Louis stared into his eyes. “Okay,” he said slowly “When will you be home? I can come to your flat then.” But Ian shook his head again. “Don’t you worry about me. I’ll come by in the morning and take care of your hangover.” Now he wickedly smiled down at Louis so that Louis just couldn’t resist poking him in the side. Ian squealed at that and quickly pushed Louis’ hands away before grabbing him by his waist and throwing him over his shoulder. Now shrieking himself Louis hit Ian’s bum, shouting: “You’re so gonna pay for this Mr Sanders!”

 

*

 

Once Louis met Zayn outside his flat, he wondered what he would have told Ian about Harry if he did have come along tonight. Or would he have told Harry to shut up about what they were and what they weren’t back in the days? He couldn’t possibly think of ever doing that. Especially not since he was the one who didn’t keep in contact.

“So Ian still doesn’t know about Harry?” Zayn asked throwing his right leg over his bike like he could read Louis’ thoughts.

“What do you mean?” Louis asked innocently but he knew he couldn’t fool him. Just one look of his best friend made him sigh. “Nooo”, he said slowly, “Not really. But why does it matter?”

“Lou, I thought you talked about your whole boys on boys experience when you first got to know each other. Don’t you think he’ll figure out that Harry is the  _that_  Harry?”

Louis snorted: “That was a ridiculous term, Quiffy. And yes I did, wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t I reckon. And I’m going to tell him. It just feels so… weird.”

They rode along the riverside, it was cold and Zayn’s light was only flickering through the darkness. Zayn sighed and breathed in before he turned his head towards Louis again.

“Why weird though? You’ve met Leon and that wasn’t so weird, was it?”

“But Leon… That’s different. Leon and Ian are still sort of friends. Harry and I are not and we never really were a couple to begin with.”

“Even more reasons to tell him, Lou. Seriously, I don’t see the problem. Are you and Ian having issues? Or is it because you freaked out a bit at that party and got plastered because you were overwhelmed and shocked by Harry’s sudden appearance?”

“Man, I don’t know. Ian and I definitely don’t have issues. In fact everything is really great. He’s sweet and the sex is great. Just today we…” But Zayn interrupted him right there: “Yeah, don’t overshare.” And with that Louis just smiled and he and Zayn looked out across the river where they could see the club’s neon lights on the other side of the bank.

*

 

Liam and Harry were already waiting outside the club. It was a bit strange going clubbing without pregaming but Louis turned the offer of having drinks at Liam’s under the pretext of having to finish his paper down. This was just a bit too much for the first, well second, evening reconnecting. Especially since Louis couldn’t make up his mind what to do about Harry. Zayn, who didn’t know either of the other boys, didn’t drink in beforehand either but both Liam and Harry smelled distinctly of beer.

Louis smiled: “Hey.”

“Hey to you too.” Louis tried to look at Harry but in the end he just threw a quick glance before hugging Liam. “So, this is Zayn. And this is Liam and Harry.” Louis introduced them to each other. Zayn blinked and reached out to give them both a quick handshake. “Weird that we’ve never met before, hm Liam?” “Indeed. But you know, it’s not like I was around the corner so that Louis’ little worlds could have met so easily.”

“Well, the power of university.” Louis pats Liam on the shoulder and catches Harry’s eyes following him. “Yeah. Let’s drink to that,” he hears him murmur.

It was easy. And definitely nothing like Louis had imagined it. They drank, they laughed, they danced. They didn’t talk much and if they did they had to shout because of the thrumming beat of the music. Zayn and Liam seemed to get along pretty well, laughing about each other’s jokes, sitting down for some beer and discussing the females in the club. Just for a tiny moment Louis thought that it would get awkward now but Harry was already dragging him out to the dance floor by his wrist.

He didn’t say “do you remember?” and he didn’t say “what if” but Louis could read it in his drunken eyes. But he didn’t feel uncomfortable, he actually quite liked it that Harry still liked him enough to just do this.

As they danced to the rhythm of some Rihanna track, he felt the sudden urge to grab Harry by his neck, dragging his sweating body close and his ear to his mouth.

“I’m so sorry!” he shouted. Harry didn’t ask what for and just smiled with wandering eyes from Louis’ mouth to his eyes when Louis let go off him again.

They did some more shots with some girls at the bar Louis knew from his literature class. When the girls ran giggling on the dance floor Harry remained seated, shaking his head: “Fuck, I’m…” Louis laughed hysterically “…drunk?” And Harry nodded, suddenly grabbing Louis by his t-shirt collar. Louis could feel Harry’s breath hot against his throat when he dragged him closer. His eyelashes batted drunkenly and Louis got sucked into the darkening green of his eyes, his fingers twitching to shove his hands into Harry’s lazy curls.

“Do you wanna stay?” Harry whispered then and caught Louis in surprise. He couldn’t resist longer and wipes Harry’s sweaty fringe out of his forehead, lingering a bit too long with his fingertips at his hot skin. “No,” he murmured and saw how Harry’s eyes light up. Louis felt his phone buzzing in his pocket but he ignored it. Instead he was now the one to grab the other by his wrist: “Let’s just get outta here.”

*

Louis laughed hysterically. “Man, we totally just ditched Liam and Zayn!” He fumbled with his key at the lock of his bike but kept missing it. Impatiently Harry grabbed it and shoved it back into Louis’ pocket. “We’re gonna go to mine. It’s just a 10 minute walk.” Louis just laughed and stumbled after Harry.

“Did they spike our drinks? Seriously I have never been this… high from just drinking. Like ever.” He clung onto Harry’s arm, having trouble to keep up with his pace. But Harry himself seemed not that steady, it just were his long legs.

“You mean those girls you know? Like they wanted to make us… wanting?” Harry laughs wildly. “Maybe like a  _straight pill_?” Louis giggled. They turn around a corner. Louis could already see the student’s residence hall down the road.

“Didn’t work out so well for them, did it?” Louis swallows and just shook his head.  _Not at all._ He breathed in the cold air. The street was completely quiet. Only some lights were still on but most curtains drawn and only a cat strayed down the pavement.

That was when Louis pushed Harry against some house wall, pressing his fingers down his neck, hotly breathing: “In fact. I’m just as gay as ever.”

Louis could feel Harry hesitating and the thought  _What the fuck are you doing?_ definitely crossed his own mind but when Harry closed his arms around Louis, opening his legs so Louis could press into him as close as he could, his mind just went blank. “And I’m as horny as I haven’t been in quite a while” he whispered back, slowly closing his eyes like it was too much.

“Fuck,” Louis breathed before he pressed his lips on Harry’s. Pressing him against the wall he started licking at Harry’s bottom lip until he opened his mouth, letting Louis’ tongue in. They kissed hotly and wanting, when Louis finally connected their crotches, he couldn’t resist rocking up against Harry. When Harry’s hand wandered down his spine, Louis gasped for air. “We should…” he moaned feeling Harry’s bulge pressing up against his lower stomach. “Yeah, we should.”

Harry reached for his keys in his pocket, keeping Louis close as they stumbling ran down the road until they entered the residence hall. Harry pressed up against him in the elevator. Hovering over Louis’ rather short statue Harry nibbled at Louis’ cheekbones, softly kissing his eyelashes and running his huge hands through Louis’ sweaty hair. When Harry finally opened the door to his room, he dragged Louis in by his neck, their mouths crashing onto each other even before the door fell shut behind them. Louis immediately ran his hands over Harry’s chest, sneaking them under the fabric of his t-shirt and pulling it over his curls. They both kicked off their shoes. And that was when Harry shoved his hands down Louis’ pants in one go, grabbing at his bum.

Louis didn’t even squeal when Harry lifted him up, practically throwing him on his undone bed, straddling his thighs the next moment and kissing him wanting. Rocking up against him Louis took hold of Harry’s waist, pushing him over and climbing into his lap. When Harry unzipped his jeans, he felt his cock throbbing.

Quickly Louis got rid of the jeans, his t-shirt and as Harry’s fingers tugged impatiently at Louis pants he throws them across the room as well. “God, you’re beautiful” Harry breathed, running his hand down over Louis’ chest until he grabbed Louis’ cock, holding it steady at its base. “Come on now, Haz. Get naked.”

Louis lifted up a bit so that Harry could get out of his trousers and Louis didn’t even recognize that Harry wasn’t wearing any pants. Harry now started pumping slowly Louis’ cock, swelling in his hand while Louis reached down Harry’s body, getting hold of Harry’s dick. “Shit, you’re huge.”

They slowly stroke each other, kissing even slower, full tongues until Louis felt the alcohol rushing back into his head again, blanking his mind. “Come on, Harry.” He grinded down against his own hand holding Harry’s precumming cock. “What do you want?” “Just…” Louis blinked for a moment “Just fuck me already.”

From then on it was fast. Harry opened his nightstand drawer, snitching lube and a condom. Slicking up two of his fingers, he breathed hotly against Louis who crawled up a little further on Harry’s chest, grabbing the headboard while bending down. As the first finger slips in he felt his muscles tighten around it but than he eases up when Harry started to move. Louis didn’t even acknowledge when Harry let in a second one, pushing further up, Louis moaning over him. “Okay, enough. Just go now!”

The condom wrapper dropped of the bed and then Harry’s guiding Louis down on his dick. It was not smooth but Louis was impatient so he just pushed down, taking almost all of it. Harry’s hands supported him on the sides and then Louis started moving. Rolling his hips down onto Harry, breathlessly pressing open-mouthed kisses onto Harry’s lips and sucking at his jaw.

“Okay, you move now” he said then running out of breath. Feeling the alcohol rush and blinding his mind. He kept himself up on his knees, holding tightly onto the headboard as Harry thrust into him from below. The pace kept increasing and at one moment Harry grabbed Louis dick again and wanked him through his orgasm. The cum spilled all over his hand and both on their stomachs. Just a few thrusts more and Harry was coming too. They slowly rode it out before Louis fell breathless onto Harry’s chest.

“Shit,” he murmured, his eyes falling shut the moment Harry carefully pulled out and rubbed down both their stomachs with some tissues.

 

*

 

_**7** _

 

“Shit! FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck”

It was way too early. Before Harry could see what time it actually was he heard the door fall shut already and someone ran down the corridor and with him the curses disappeared. The bed next to him was still warm but that someone was clearly gone. 8:39 blinked his alarm clock.  _What the hell happened last night?_ And before the memories came rushing in he saw Louis’ jacket thrown over his chair.  _Fuck._

 

*

 

_“Where the fuck are you, Louis? And what the hell happened last night? Okay, I’m trying not to freak out but your boyfriend kinda does. He just showed up at my flat and asked whether you were here because you weren’t at yours. What the fuck Louis? And I was still half asleep and I didn’t realize the shit you’ve gotten yourself into. So you better get your sorry arse home now or… I don’t know. Okay, call me later!”_

This was it. Louis was certain of it. What the hell was he thinking?

Louis considered telling Ian that he slept at Liam’s but then a text from Zayn came:

_liam was here too btw. buy some flowers or idk. x_

He was fucked.

 

*

 

Ian broke up with Louis the day afterwards. Louis told him he slept at Harry’s and at first everything was okay. Ian still didn’t have a clue who Harry was and maybe he didn’t ask questions because he was just relieved that Louis showed up and didn’t go missing. Louis tried to breathe but he was so torn by regret, guilt and denial how much he enjoyed being in Harry’s company.

Zayn called him several times but Louis shut him out and only sent a text saying that he was okay. He didn’t need Zayn to tell him how much of an idiot he was. Ian found out when Harry called. Louis was in the shower and Ian saw Harry’s name appear on his phone and along with it a picture of him. He let it ring until Harry hung up. Then he crawled under Louis’ bed and took out the box filled with photos and shells. The curls, the dimples, the eyes, the smile it was all the same and everything fell into place and Ian blamed his own stupidity for a moment. He yelled at Louis for about half an hour before Louis started crying and confessed. Still half naked and with dripping hair Louis begged him not to go. But he did. “I’ve never been so disappointed by someone in my life,” Ian said coldly before he packed his belongings he had at Louis’ into a plastic bag and just left without turning around again. That night Louis showed up at Zayn’s doorstep: “I’m such a fucking idiot.”

 

*

 

Harry felt miserable. The night with Louis was amazing. But the “but” was bigger than his feelings for the other boy. He felt bad for being the reason Louis cheated on his boyfriend. And when Liam texted that Ian broke up with Louis, it didn’t feel any better although he couldn’t deny that there was one second that he was relieved.

The moment he had rang Louis he knew it was a mistake and he didn’t really know why he tried to reach him anyway. Yes, he still had Louis’ jacket in which he definitely didn’t bury his head in the other night or just because he wanted to apologize. Because he was sorry. He was just not sure how sorry and that thought made him feel even more guilty.

But what did the night mean to Louis? Did he cheat on Ian before? Was this just the only time Ian has ever found out? What did Harry mean to Louis? Was this just one night remembering what could have happened last summer but never did? And then Harry realized that his first time with the guy he undeniably had a crush on for quite some time happened in a drunken haze.

He decided not go to class on Monday, instead he booked a train ticket home on Sunday and dropped Louis’ jacket off at Liam’s who wasn’t even at home. Then he got on the train and texted Niall. Together they went to a pub that night and got spectacularly drunk and all he could remember from that night was Niall repeatedly saying: “Was just as much his fault as yours. Maybe even more so his.” And yes, he felt a little better after that, minus the throbbing headache.

 

Liam probably asked him at least three times a day whether he had talked to Louis yet the following week.

“Liam, why would I? There’s nothing he or I have to say, is there?” Harry paused. “Or did he say something?”

“That’s exactly it, Harry. First you say I don’t want anything from him and I don’t owe him anything either. That’s fair enough but you still ask me if he said something which makes me doubt that you don’t want anything from him.”

Harry rolled his eyes: “Shall I go to him: Hey hi, sorry that I broke you up with your boyfriend but you know, I like it better that way anyway because we can be boyfriends now.”

“Don’t be an arsehole now.”

“Yeah only that I am.”

Liam just shook his head and tried the next day again. The conversations didn’t alter too much.

 

*

 

“So what now?” Zayn was sitting cross-legged facing Louis on his bed.

“What do you mean? What now?”

“Don’t play dumb, you idiot.”  
“There’s nothing I could do or actually anything I want to do.”

“Yeah sometimes people do things they don’t want to anyways.”  
“Don’t be such a dick, Zayn. And when did you ever do that?”

“When I went to swimming classes last summer. I didn’t want to do the classes but I wanted to able to swim.”

“Yeah but you had like an aim you wanted to reach which required doing something you didn’t want to. For me now there’s no aim.”  
“Is there really not?”

“No.”

“Okay, whatever you’re trying to tell yourself.”  
“Zayn, I’m fucking done with you playing the moralizer!”  
“What the fuck Louis? I did not judge you in any way about what you did. It’s fine. It really is. It’s your fucking life. I really don’t want to tell you what to do with it. I’m just trying to fucking help you. Because you’re lost, mate. And yeah, don’t try to convince me otherwise. Don’t you think I haven’t noticed that you didn’t even eat half your lunch today and that you took down that ridiculous One Tree Hill poster you love so much? The one with that super cheesy quote?”

“Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it’s the greatest moment in your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who’s standing next to you?“ Louis whispered.

“What?”

“That’s what the  _cheesy quote_  says.”

“Well, it’s a fair question isn’t it?”

“Yeah maybe. But maybe I just don’t want to know the answer.”

 

*

 

Louis went out on Thursday. He didn’t call Zayn or Liam or any of his other friends to go with him. He ignored all their calls too. He just couldn’t stand Zayn’s questions anymore. He was afraid of what he might say and even more that he meant it. So instead he was about to get as drunk as possible without landing in hospital.

Some guy bought him drinks, so Louis let him grind against him although he smelled sweaty and had dilated pupils. When the guy stuck his tongue down his throat he went with it.  _What did it matter anyways?_

The guy dragged him into a toilet stall and sucked him off.  _There could be worse things happening, right?_ Then the guy who had pretty greasy hair as Louis now noticed in the dim light of the toilets pressed Louis’ face onto his own crotch and Louis just obliged. It was fast and the way the guy’s dick hit the back of his throat hurt. He didn’t swallow but spat the sticky cum into the toilet next to them. When the guy asked for his number Louis flipped him off and left the club.

He walked drunkenly back downtown, the fresh air gradually sobering him up. Once in a while he stopped to spit on the ground. When he crossed a road a cab almost ran him over. The driver pressed the horn and Louis couldn’t hold his tears back any longer. He tried to run but he rather stumbled over kerbs, the tears streaming down his cheeks silently, until he found himself in front of Zayn’s door. Again.

 

 *

 

“Zayn? Are you awake?”

“I am now.” But then Zayn’s voice softened. “What’s the matter, Lou? You didn’t return any of my calls.”

“Can you just open the door? I’m outside.”

“Okay. I’ll be right there.”

*

“Louis. You have to tell me what’s wrong. You can’t just show up here in the middle of the night and then just… lie there and stare at the ceiling. I worried about you, you know?” Zayn stroke his thumb across Louis’ cheek, collecting some salty tears.

Louis closed his eyes and tried to breathe. But he didn’t say anything. He just focused on breathing. And at not looking at Zayn.

“I know you don’t feel so well these days but that’s not all, is it? Louis, please. I don’t judge.”

Louis then opened his eyes and when he met Zayn’s the shame crawled under his skin immediately. “I let some greasy guy suck me off and then fuck my throat,” he muttered finally. He could see Zayn gulping but his eyes never left Louis’ and neither did his fingers stroking his hair. “Why?” Zayn asked quietly. Louis could feel new tears filling up his eyes before he suddenly sat up and snapped curtly: “Because I cheat Zayn! I’m a fucking cheater! Because I am a whore.” He yelled those last words but silence dropped as fast as the outburst had come.

“Louis.” That’s all Zayn had to say before Louis dropped back into Zayn’s arm, clutching to the hem of his shirt, sobbing his heart out until Zayn swayed him back and forth like a baby.

“You know how you said that I should do something? I think you were probably right.” Louis mumbled while he dried his cheeks with some tissues Zayn had picked up from his bedside table.

“Yeah I think that’s a good idea, Louis.” Zayn said slowly. “This… this is self-destructive and it hurts to see you like this,” he added softly and grabbed Louis by his neck to make him look into his eyes.

“You are not a whore, Louis. You did one mistake and that shit happens. But one mistake doesn’t have to mean that you turn into someone you’re not. Do something. I know you can.”

Louis sounded irrevocably determined, “I’ll talk to him.”

Zayn sighed. “Yeah do that, Louis. Tomorrow and now let us catch some sleep. You can talk to him tomorrow.”

Only that Zayn wasn’t sure who “he” actually was. Ian or was it actually Harry Louis was talking about?

 

*

 

_**8** _

 

“You won’t even let me explain this!”

“Really? What is there left to explain, Louis? You fucked it up. Simple as that. I don’t need you explanations.”

“But maybe  _I_  need to explain it. You don’t understand, I didn’t mean to…”

“Just shut the fuck up. It’s not only the cheating, Louis. You kept him as a secret from me. Why didn’t you tell me he was here? Hm? Why? I always thought we trusted each other and you’d tell me anything. Clearly, I was wrong.”

“Please, Ian. I know you’re upset and you have every right to be. But this can’t – just can’t be the end of us.”

Ian’s expression softened a bit then, seeing how desperate Louis was. Calmly he took Louis’ hand and looked at him sincerely: “Louis, me and you both know that the  _us_ never was a constant, right? We’ve been tiptoeing around an issue here for a while and your fuck up just brought it to the surface. Of course I’m angry and sad and hurt, but mostly as your friend. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. But this, us,” he takes his hand from Louis’ and points from him to himself and slightly shook his head “this  _us_  never really existed.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Ian?” Louis cried out. “Are you trying to tell me that our whole relationship was a lie? That you faked it all?”

“No, no, no! Fuck, no. Please stop. Louis, please stop crying.” Ian leaned forward and swept a lonely tear from Louis’ cheekbone with his thumb. “I still love you, Louis and I never lied to you and I reckon before this you didn’t either, right?” Louis sadly shook his head. “Never” he whispered, gulping for air. Finally he let his eyes meet Ian’s again. It stung how warm they looked although Ian should hate him right now. The realisation that it was really over made him feel dizzy.

“See” Ian smiled but it never reached his eyes which still lied warm on Louis, reassuring. “Remember how I told you that I was falling for you, Lou?” Louis just nodded, feeling another tear filling up his right eye.

They just met three weeks before and it had been epic. Louis was over the moon and although he still carried so many issues with him at that time he felt so alive like he never did before. Ian kind of saved him really although he was totally oblivious to it until Louis broke down the first time since they were dating and refused to talk to anyone for a whole day. It was then that Ian not only became his proper boyfriend when he stayed but also his friend. Louis had never explained his behaviour to anybody before. His family and Zayn just knew because they were there every step of the way. But once Louis realized that he trusted Ian with his life he told him all about it and Ian stayed and told him, he loved him.

“And do you remember when I first told you I love you?” Louis nodded again, of course he did.

“You see, me and you, that  _us_  that was there when we met, I think it got lost on the way between the falling in love and loving you. This must sound really crazy but I think there’s a reason why we have this term of ‘ _falling_  in love’, Louis. I told you I loved you before I told you I was  _in_  love with you. In fact, I never did tell you that.”

There was dead silence in Ian’s room now. Louis looked at him shocked, his eyes widening. “Okay?” he said carefully.

Ian rubbed his eyes with his index fingers, searching for words. “For a while I thought this is what epic love feels like. The endless falling because I adore you everyday even more than the day before. The thing is though that it doesn’t stop and I don’t see an end to it. Tilly said that she envies that and that it should feel wonderful. And at times it does but mostly I basically don’t see where we’re heading and what future would await us.

You talk about having children at least once a week but you never asked me or included me in that vision. I’m not trying to accuse you of anything but if you think about it we both know that the magic moment when we first met was that: epic and one of a kind. And everything else that followed was lovely and what we both needed. But we don’t need each other in that way. We needed the experience and now just seems like a plausible time to admit to ourselves and each other that this would end sooner or later anyways, long before we actually consider making the family wish come true.”

They sat in silence for about five minutes. Louis watched some birds fly up onto the windowsill. The sky was blinding blue, a single cloud slowly made his way towards the sun.

Ian was right. He never pictured him sitting in the armchair of his grandfather having their little daughter on his lap while Louis danced with their little boy through the living room. As hard as he had tried to vision it, every time he tried to turn around in his dream to see who’s sitting there he couldn’t picture anyone. He felt the presence of a warm, strong body but than he always woke up and forgot all about it until now.

“I’m sorry, Ian.” Louis finally muttered, staring at his bitten fingernails.

“Nothing to be sorry for, Lou. I mean I should have talked to you about this sooner but I don’t know. I was selfish because I’ve never been really unhappy with you and it’s good to have someone to cuddle and the sex was still so great although I could feel it in my gut that you and me are not meant to be.”

“I love you, you know” Louis blurted out suddenly, “And don’t think I’d think that you’re selfish. You were always there for me and I’m not really sure how I felt and how I feel about you now because I’m a bit confused. But one thing is for sure. I love you, okay?”

Ian now was the one to nod sadly. “Love you too, Louis.”

Suddenly Louis burst out laughing. “We’re such weirdos. Breaking up and telling each other we love one another.”

Ian smiled at that and reached out for Louis who immediately sunk into his arms, holding tight onto his shoulder. “You made me happy, Ian. Don’t ever forget about that. I’m so grateful and a huge part about the man I am today and also the one I’m going to be is all thanks to you.”

“It’s not like I had a choice once I saw those twinkling eyes and that bashful smile of yours I needed you happiness as much as you did.” Louis blushed a little and murmured softly “Such a sap.”

When Louis turned to leave after they shared the longest hug of break ups ever, he said, “Don’t be a stranger, Ian. I know how clichéd that sounds but us being friends shouldn’t stop now that the sex stops.”

Ian giggled. “So basically you’re telling me that we were friends with benefits all this time?” Louis straight out laughed at that.

“It’s whatever. You don’t like putting labels on sexuality than why put them on relationships? Who the fuck has the right to say that you must be epicly in love with someone you call your boyfriend? People put label on things because it’s easier to understand each other but it leaves no room for grey. Only black and white.

You know, Ian, I think you were very right when you pointed out that the term of ‘falling in love’ is genius.  We both jumped to fall instead of letting ourselves fall. At first the energy is amazing and breathtaking but as long as we’re falling we will never land safely. This isn’t hitting rock bottom like other relationships. This is landing, getting rid of our dizziness and eventually we will fall again when we climbed back up.”

“Good thing there’s a lift to this apartment then, right?” Ian joked and leaned against the doorframe. “Take care, Lou. I won’t delete you out of my phone but give me time to get to my feet again, okay?”

“Okay. Take care you too, Ian. And thank you. Thank you a hundred times.”

 

*

 

Louis wasn’t sure what this meant now. Was he relieved? It kind of felt a lot like he was. But as soon as he checked his phone when he got back to his flat to call Zayn, he realized that this wasn’t really the case. Harry had called him 8 times the past two days. Louis wasn’t sure he was ready for that conversation yet.

So instead he set down on his bed and tried to type out a text. In the end he deleted it several times until he finally sent a simple

 

_i’m sorry. for everything. l_

After that Harry didn’t call anymore and Louis got really drunk the second night Harry didn’t call again.

“Zaynie?” he slurred, hugging his best friend tightly, enveloped in his sheets.

“What’s the matter, drunk boy?” Zayn asked softly, turning around to face Louis who had his eyes closed and smelled like a whole liquor store but to his defense Zayn was only slightly better. This wasn’t desperate Louis getting drunk to forget all about his problems. This were Louis and Zayn, best friends on a night out, intoxicated to be young and free.

“Why didn’t Harry call again?” Louis whispered almost bashfully.

“If I remember correctly you were the one to not call him back.”

“Yeah but I texted him. Do you think ‘sorry’ was all he wanted to hear from me?” Louis took a deep breath and finally looked into Zayn’s eyes. It was dark and Louis could only see his long eyelashes which framed his dark, soft eyes casting feathery shadows down his cheek in the dim moonlight.

“Maybe yes but Louis, this was also his ‘fault’ and I don’t think he’s a pretentious dick who just calls to get an apology. In fact, even that would be weird if he were a dick because those are not fine with just an apology.”

“So you’re basically saying that he probably wants something else but isn’t trying to push it anymore?” Zayn could see a worried frown spreading on Louis’ face.

“I mean it’s pretty obvious that he still likes you or at least is attracted to you. And if we’re being honest for a second here, Lou. So are you, right?” For a moment Louis closed his eyes again. Because yes, yes, yes. Then he just nodded and muttered “Yeah”.

“So this is basically you avoiding him and not the other way around, babes. I’m not really sure why but I’m going to guess it’s because what had happened last year, hm?”

Louis was grateful that Zayn did the talking and he just had to signal him if he was right or not because there was a lump rising in his throat and guilt washed over him. So he just nodded again, trying to blink away a tear.

Zayn snuggled even closer then and reached out to let his fingers run through Louis’ hair lying damp on his forehead. They were quiet for a while until Louis whispered: “An apology isn’t enough.”

Only after what seemed like minutes Zayn answered. “I know this is not going to be easy, Lou. But when and if you feel ready I think me and you know that you owe it to him to explain.” Zayn could only hear Louis’ heavy breathing now, the dim light of the moon was swallowed by a dark cloud, promising rain.

“I know. And this feels so stupid because this was the second time he was trying to talk to me on the phone and I just keep pushing him away. And I’m just so… I just don’t know what to do if he’s angry with me but also if he takes pity on me or just if he doesn’t react to it at all. And what if he wants to try again? If he forgives me? I can’t.” Louis was sobbing now. Tear after tear rolled down his face. “I can’t.”

“Oh Lou.” Zayn out his face down Louis’ neck and nuzzled into it. “You think too much. It’s one step after the other. You know you can’t just skip those. Harry’s not the issue, is he, hm?” Louis just nodded again. He felt dizzy and although he was clinging onto Zayn so tightly, he felt empty and lonely.

“I think I’m having a relapse.”

 

*

 

_**9** _

 

 

Harry didn’t see Louis on campus for a whole month. He never tried calling him again because he didn’t know what to say. A simple “sorry” and “let’s be friends again” seemed pretentious and also not really what he wanted either. On top of that Louis was clearly avoiding him and not even Liam could sugarcoat that.

Once Liam had told Harry that Louis and Ian had broken up something in Harry broke too. Louis seemed happy before Harry entered his life again and Harry had to go and destroy Louis’ happiness. As often as Liam tried to tell Harry that it wasn’t all Harry’s fault and that Louis wasn’t broken, Harry found it very hard to believe.

After this month of not seeing him Harry got high with Niall, only that they weren’t exactly sharing a spliff because they were only on skype.

“What the fuck are we actually doing? Getting high on a webcam?? This is by far the weirdest thing we’ve done, Hazza.” Niall’s crooked smile never failed to make Harry a little bit happier.

“Maybe this is the attempt to prove that not even the internet can fix this.”

“What the hell are you on about?”

“Man, you know. You not being here. It feels not right.” Niall laughed loudly and dragged at his joint.

“I mean this could be worse. But I guess I have news for you anyways.”

“Shoot!” Harry sat up impatiently, feeling buzzed which clearly was a result of the joint he now put down an empty jam jar.

“I’m thinking of applying for the music engineering degree at your uni.”  
“Oh my god, yes! Yes, please Niall. We could move in together. Wow, that would be awesome.” Harry giggled and was glad Niall was just as high as he were, otherwise he would probably be teased about his girly reaction for at least 10 minutes.

“If you supply the cooked food, Styles, I’m in.” Niall laughed and Harry just beamed. The blond boy chatted on about what they would need in their apartment: a big living room with a tv, x box and all his guitars would need their own space. He also wouldn’t object to a huge fridge and a stereo.

It was about 2 am when Harry’s phone buzzed. “Hang on a sec, Niall. Liam’s calling me.”

In fact, Liam wasn’t only calling him, he was also just outside his dorm room, totally soaked by the rain.

“Fuck. Those stupid idiots!” Liam swore as soon as Harry opened the door, having to lean onto the doorframe not to stumble right into his friends who rushed inside.

Liam’s flatmates were having a flatparty on a Tuesday night which Liam didn’t know until one of them asked to put the tv in his room. Liam of course said yes but didn’t realize that his party was all about loud music and too much alcohol into the early hours of the next day.

“Holla!” Harry greeted, waving awkwardly as he shut the door.

This wasn’t the first time Liam had complained about them but Harry couldn’t remember of any occasion Liam actually said “fuck” and “stupid” and “idiot” in one breath. Liam wrinkled his nose smelling the pot but didn’t say a word about it.

That night he got to know Niall and the only obvious thing to discuss was whether they should have a x box or a playstation in the apartment which they obviously should share all the three of them next term.

Harry slept as well as he didn’t since the night Louis was over. He could blame it on the pot but the prospect of sharing a flat with his two best mates, his ‘old’ and his ‘new’ best friend even so, made him smile. What he didn’t notice was Liam snitching Harry’s phone while he was in the bathroom. And for a moment he didn’t even consider him as the culprit when he read Louis’ replay the next day.

 

_tomorrow. 8 pm at the irish pub. l_

*

 

“Fuck you, Liam!” Harry shouted into his phone.

“Woah, woah. What a way of greeting your future flatmate. Should we consider making up swearing rules for next term?” Harry couldn’t help himself but grin but bit downon his bottom lip just a second after, trying to keep his voice earnest.

“We could put up a douchebag jar because mate, you’d be the one paying. What the hell were you thinking?”

Liam sighed at the other end of the line.

“Well, so I figure that you figured that not you high self sent Louis that text. I’m sorry. But I’m also not. Did he reply?” Harry didn’t answer that.

“Why would you do this?” He set his voice in a different tone, trying to imitate Liam’s accent while reading out the text. “ _hiiiiii_ – that’s 6  _i’_ s for christ’s sake, Liam! –  _i’m sooo soz!_ – Come on, is that even a word? –  _can we pls talk?_ – WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? And now the best –  _xxx h_. NEVER EVER text from my phone as me again, Liam! Do you hear me?”

Harry heard a stifled laugh. “So you’re basically complaining about me being unable to imitate your texting style? Well. I’m sorry. Again.”

“You’re so dead, Payne.” Harry muttered. “And you’re so calling him now to explain this!” The line went silent for a moment before Liam sighed again.

“Did he reply, Harry? I know you don’t wan to talk about this and I’ve been trying not to push you and the only pathetic excuse I could be using now is that your pot breath got me high too. But maybe I’m not really sorry at all because you know it’s fine that you don’t want to talk about this with me but you should talk to him. Zayn said he’s not… well either. So did he reply?”

Harry knew that parts of him were really grateful that he found such a good friend as Liam but right now he just wanted to forget about him so he could forget about this situation and the ‘date’ – for christ’s sake it was anything but a date – and Louis, Louis, LouisLouisLouis.

In the end Harry pushed his face back into his pillow, trying to hold his breath until everything would eventually fade away but he could hear Liam’s patient breathing through his phone which he still had clutched to his ear.

“Yeah. He did.” He finally murmured and when Liam didn’t reply, Harry realized that Liam really wasn’t trying to push him. “Meet ‘em tomorrow night.”

“Okay. Good.” Liam simply said and then they just breathed together for a while before Harry whispered: “Can you come with me, Li?”

It was not that Harry was scared.

He was fucking terrified.

“Haz?” Harry just hummed and knew that Liam would say ‘no’ but he wasn’t really disappointed. “I’d be glad if you’d go. But it would not be right for me to be there.”

“Yeah, I know.” Harry breathed out and turned on his bed, facing the wall. He traced the pattern of the wallpaper with his fingertips.

“But you know he’s going to think I’m a complete idiot. You should really work on your texting skills or whatever.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. He’s just going to think you were high as a kite.” There was a pause. “Which you can’t really deny, right?” Harry let out a stifled laugh, too worried about tomorrow night.

That evening he prepared for a total meltdown, popping one disaster movie after the other. At least it couldn’t get that terrible, right?

 

*

 

“I feel weird about this.” Louis huffed out. Meeting Zayn’s eyes it dawned on him that Zayn was about to turn this into a good thing. “Don’t! Okay? I can do this.”

He straightened up and pulled his white v-neck over his head, throwing it onto the floor before returning to his closet in order to pick out a black scoop neck.

“I can do this!” He repeated. More saying it to himself than anything.

When Louis was satisfied with his outfit – okay well, let’s settle on 80% satisfied – he turned to Zayn who sat on the edge of Louis’ bed with a sly smile Louis pointedly decided to ignore.

“You look hot.”

Louis growled as an even wider grin split Zayn’s face. It was all Louis wanted and didn’t really need to hear at the same time. Zayn knew that Louis could look right through him but he still did his best to keep Louis from thinking too hard. All those jazz about how he knew that of course Louis could do this and how proud he was of him went unspoken but Louis could see it in the softness of his eyes.

“Okay now.” Zayn stood up and smacked Louis on the bum. “Off you go! Before I decide to keep you, delicious, all to myself.” Zayn added with with a cheeky grin before he ushered his best friend out the door.

 

*

 

Of course Louis had been taken aback when his phone had buzzed in the middle of the night with a text from Harry who clearly wasn’t thinking straight himself. First he was convinced that this was some sort of dream – but he couldn’t quite settle on whether it was a good dream or a nightmare – but the next morning the text was still there and at first he was relieved that he wouldn’t have to analyse the contents of his dreams, but then.

But then he just stayed in bed for another hour missing his first class, simply staring up the ceiling. When he finally got up, showered and rode his bike to uni he was late for his second class as well. He rushed into the lift and pulled his phone out. Staring at himself in the elevator mirror he quickly nodded at his reflection which approvingly nodded back before he typed out his answer to Harry. As soon as he had pressed “send” he felt his fingers tremble and he quickly muted his phone before pocketing it again.

That day and also today Louis had tried to keep himself busy with course work and following his lectures. He didn’t talk to Zayn about it at all until he sent him a desperate text asking him over to pick out his clothes this afternoon. Zayn didn’t ask questions and although Louis had started to get nervous he had pushed his thoughts as far away as possible.

“Just do it!” He now muttered to himself, having Zayn dropped off at the last street corner. Louis was astounded his carrier was yet to give up under all the torture Louis and Zayn put it through over the last year.

Now he stopped at the red traffic lights, already seeing the lit up sign of the Irish Pub. It was getting chilly and Louis could feel the winter coming closer any minute. In any case he was surprised that the roofs weren’t covered by a thin layer of mushy snow yet.

Sparkling christmas lights lit up the windows in all shades of red, orange and yellow and Louis had bought his first load of christmas chocolate just a few days ago because his mum said he was now too old for an Advent calendar.

Of course Louis had moaned about getting too old for everything and it was true, with Christmas and his birthday approaching he always couldn’t decide whether to be excited or heartbroken. The kid in him was excited about Christmas and presents and funny lights and yummy food but Louis didn’t particularly like getting older.

Once Zayn had tried to comfort him in his misery – although both perfectly knew that Louis at least partly complained so much just to put on a show – and said, the philosopher that he was, that Louis grew older any day, in fact any minute, any second and the moment another full year was over shouldn’t upset him so much because he only got a day older than the day before. Louis than had thrown all of his clothes and pillows at him, childishly singing “Forever young” from the top of his lungs until Zayn pushed all the things off of himself and stated with a grin: “You’re so fucking immature.” And with that Zayn had said everything Louis had wanted him to say from the beginning.

As the light turned green, Louis crossed the road and he knew that his immaturity was ridiculous but also some sort of self-defence. A kid could get away with almost anything, hardly any consequences, hardly any punishments. To be grown up meant to take over responsibility, to be independent and to be the best version of himself he could possibly be. And Louis wanted that, he really did, but he couldn’t suppress those moments he just wanted to not give a shit about anything. Over the past year though he had realized that exactly those moments were the ones in which he cared about that the people surrounding him  _did_  give a shit about  _him_  the most. It was then he decided that it was alright to be immature from time to time but for everything else he should just man the fuck up instead of pushing people away and hurting them by his not-giving-a-damn.

Finally Louis parked his rickety bike in front of the pub.

“Just do it!” He muttered to himself again and smiled thinking he should be promoted by Nike as he pushed the door to the pub open to slip in.

 

*

 

_**10** _

 

 

Louis was already there when Harry got to the pub. He was sitting alone, fingertips fast on his phone and appeared to be playing some game going by the sudden change of expression from concentration to triumph.

Harry let out a relieved sigh. So this was casual. All the way to the pub he couldn’t get rid of the thought that Louis’ text had sounded cold and so… official.

He pulled off his beanie as he approached Louis who still hadn’t noticed him. He shook out his curls and sat down on the chair opposite to Louis’ and let out a shy “Hi”. Immediately Louis’ eyes darted up, bewilderment crossing his face for a second before he let his phone sink under the table where he pocketed it again.

“Hi.”

Harry shifted on his chair until he gave up on finding a comfortable position. The he first met Louis’ eyes, so wide and so blue and half-expecting Harry to start.

“Ah right,” Harry swallowed, “I guess I asked you to meet up. So this…” He paused watching Louis putting his hands on the table after he rolled the sleeve of his grey cardigan up his right arm.

“So I…” he tried again, “I’m sorry about what happened. I can’t really explain and us getting wasted is not a good enough excuse for my conscience.” Harry took a deep breath and tore his eyes away from Louis’ bitten fingernails.

“Don’t be sorry, Harry. Things happen and it’s done now. I said – well sort of only I guess – that I’m sorry myself. And I meant it, still mean it. But not because that night happened.” Louis paused and looked down onto the table, watching his fingers play with the salt shaker. “Because I don’t regret it. If there is a thing I regret than it’s the fact that I deleted your phone number last summer.”

He let out a deep breath. There it was. This was going to be okay. He didn’t know how to read Harry’s face but at least there were no traces of anger. Maybe sadness, maybe disappointment but then the right corner of Harry’s moth twitched. Just for a second but this second was enough for Louis to see the outline of Harry’s dimple digging itself into his cheek before it was gone again. It was enough to encourage him to speak up again.

“Harry, are you out?”

The question clearly surprised Harry, his eyes widening before he nodded slightly, unsure. “Yeah. I am.”

Louis sincerely smiled then. He didn’t know anything about Harry’s coming out just yet but there was no sadness, no hurting in his eyes.

“I don’t expect you to understand my behaviour, partly also because a lot of times I struggle myself when I’m trying to explain because I don’t really know. But most importantly because I would never expect forgiveness from you. That wouldn’t be fair.”

Louis saw Harry opening his mouth in order to say something but Louis had to this. Now at best.

“Just let me tell you about this and then you decide what to do with it. This is not an apology, Harry. And this is not an explanation really either. This is just kind of my story what happened after last summer, okay?” Harry nodded but Louis could see his uncertainty as he blinked several times in a row.

At that moment a waiter approached their table and Louis ordered himself a Guinness and Harry went simply for a coke. “Eighteen in two months.” His smile was honest and bright and Louis almost reached out to poke the dimple in his right cheek.

When their drinks arrived just a minute after ordering them, Louis only took a small sip before setting his glass back down.

“When you went home thing went a bit downhill for me I guess.” Louis now was nervously chewing the inside of his cheek. “I don’t mean that this is your fault or anything but you kind of made me realize that denying my sexuality wouldn’t help getting rid of it. Because I wanted to but at the same time I wanted something like we had, it felt good and it felt right. How much I couldn’t have it put me down, especially when people started calling me names, even still at the camping site and I don’t really know how it happened but at home – not like  _home_  home. I mean my old football team and stuff – it started, too.

I wanted to pretend I didn’t care when they pushed me in the lockers. I didn’t tell anyone about that time someone wrote me a pretty nasty letter. And I never ever went to my coach or my mum or anyone really each time someone called me a fag, a cocksucker or a sissy.

I applied for uni before we met and I didn’t want to go when I got the acceptance letter. I pretended to be asleep when my mum shouted from downstairs that my letter had arrived. I wasn’t afraid of not being accepted. I was afraid of  _being_ accepted. And I was. Accepted I mean. I tried to push it as far away as I could until my mum pressure me to go flat hunting and I didn’t want to disappoint her.

I was glad that Zayn got accepted too but I was also terrified because he knew about those people calling me names. Back then I thought he didn’t care about people putting me down because he never reacted. Today I know that Zayn was trying to leave it up to me to talk to him about, about me being gay.”

Louis took a deep breath but didn’t dare to meet Harry’s eyes.

“My friend Stan from back home later told me that he once witnessed Zayn punching Tom in the face. Only that Stan didn’t know that before that happened Tom had called me as ‘cocksucking slut’.

Anyways, I didn’t know what Zayn was thinking back then – and when I say this is always feels like ages ago although it’s really not – so I was scared and didn’t want to live with him. That’s how we ended up in separate flats and Zayn never asked one question until I broke down.

This may sound a bit dramatic but as uni began I had a hard time not to think about what people would think of me and if they could tell just from looking at me. It ended up with me hiding in my room for three days straight. I didn’t talk to anyone, I didn’t even call home and I certainly didn’t go to uni. At the end of the third day, well I was standing crying in front of Zayn’s door and yeah.

Things got slowly better then because someone knew and half of the first semester I lived at Zayn’s pretty much until I went home one weekend and told my parents. Everything dropped again around last Christmas because my parents split and are now living separately. I then met Ian in January and yeah, I guess I though I was in love with him and maybe I was, I don’t really know. But I was happy.”

With shaking hands Louis reached out to grab his glass and sipped at the Guinness before glancing back at Harry who rolled his half-empty coke bottle between his fingers.

“And then I came and fucked up your happiness. Again!” Harry whispered, choking on a lonely tear running down his cheek.

“No, Harry! NO!” Louis quickly reached across the table without thinking too much about it. He slowly took the bottle out of Harry’s long fingers and squeezed them slightly.

“This is not why I’m telling you this, Haz.” As soon as Harry heard his nickname slip out of Louis’ mouth he squeezed back. “You’re not guilty of anything. Or rather you’re not guilty if guilt is really a bad thing. Because you are sort of the reason for a lot of things but not any of its consequences or even actions were and neither are bad. It’s not your fault I’m attracted to you for Christ’s sake!”

Louis couldn’t believe he just said that.

And apparently it also startled Harry who finally looked into Louis’ eyes and the tear glistening in his eye almost looked like a happy tear when his eyes crinkled in surprise.

“But it’s well my fault I’m attracted to you as well.” Harry said slowly.

He then realized he was now properly holding Louis’ hand and couldn’t resist stroking its back with his thumb.

Louis’ eyelashes beat nervously.

“Harry,” he breathed out after a moment of silence.

“Yes, Louis?”

“What is… this?”

Louis’ bottom lip twitched. Harry paused to run his thumb over the back of Louis’ hand and then switched to his knuckles, softly thumbing over them and only once Louis blinked a little bit faster than usually.

“This is me trying to show… to tell you that I am here.”

“Why?” Louis looked down on both of their hands, entwined. “I mean how?”

A shy smile crossed Harry’s lips. “Why? You… Louis, when I first saw you on campus I tried to avoid you because I was hurt. But then we met – what I found unfortunate at first- again but just in those few moments I wasn’t even able to feel angry or hurt. I tried not to feel anything about you but that kind of went down the toilet when we, well you know, got super drunk at that club and I just wanted you. I guess this is also why I’m sitting here but I can’t explain  _how_.”

Louis had to hold his breath, trying to understand. Trying to understand what and who Harry was. This, because of him?

He almost started laughing before blurting out “You’re so amazing.”

Now he did laugh and Harry beamed right back at him.

“Does that smile splitting your face mean that you agree? Bit arrogant there, Haz.”

But Louis only laughed louder when Harry slapped the back of his hand.

“Well, yeah. I sort of do. Doesn’t mean you’re not even more amazing though.”

His voice turned soft and even lower and slower than normally. Louis could feel goose bumps rushing over his body as he watched Harry’s Adam’s apple while he spoke. Realizing he was staring, Louis picked up his Guinness again and emptied it.

“My friend Niall would love this place.” Harry now said, turning on his chair to take in the whole pub. It was rather dark in there, only dim lights hanging low from the ceiling.

“It’s proper Irish. He’s Irish.” Harry explained and just like that he went conversational. Louis almost gaped.

“He actually just told me the other night that he applied for school here as well. So he can check it out himself in spring, well hopefully.” Harry turned his eyes back on Louis who immediately pressed his jaw together so he wouldn’t run in danger of actually gaping.

“We should all go together. Liam, too. He, Niall and I are thinking of sharing a flat together next term.”

“Oh. Do you?” was all Louis managed.

“Yep. And it’s going to be great. We could have like a housewarming with some themed party. We could do something like genderswap that would be fun. Or maybe farm animals? That would be hilarious. I’ve always wanted to be a kitten.”

Louis couldn’t help himself any longer, he openly gaped and blushed when Harry pointed at his mouth, laughing so loud that some guys sitting at the bar turned around. But Harry didn’t care but reached out over the table to softly push Louis’ mouth shut. His finger remaining on Louis’ jaw where he could feel his soft, light stubble he said lowly “You could be a goose.”

He laughed so brightly that Louis’ ears were ringing. Louis had no chance but laugh as well although Zayn would ask him later if that wasn’t a bit offensive.

“Or even better. Yes, I’ve got it!” Harry’s enthusiasm made Louis’ smile so pure.

“A cock!”

There was no stopping now.

“A huuuuuuge cock!”

Louis was pretty sure the whole pub was now staring at them. But surprisingly he he didn’t care. He didn’t care as long as he heard that laugh exiting those pretty lips. He didn’t care as long as those bright green eyes never left his and he didn’t care because Harry was still holding his hands while they were both shaking of laughter.

When their laughing fit seemed to die down Louis brought one of his hands onto his head, spreading his five fingers and put them into an upright position.

“Cock-a-doodle-doo!”

 

*

 

At about 11 pm they left the pub, still laughing. Louis was now convinced Harry was an angel sent from heaven who accidentally dropped on his head instead of landing on his feet. But he was still the brightest angel of them all.

“So.” Harry said still smiling, rubbing Louis’ hands in between his. Louis hadn’t even noticed that he started shivering as soon as the door behind them fell shut.

“So.” Louis repeated him, smiling just as brightly.

“So we’re good, yeah?”  
‘What a question, you idiot!’ Louis thought.

“Yeah, we’re very good. Curly.” He bit his bottom lip. “Thank you.”

“All my pleasure. I should be thanking you too, actually. So thank you, Lou.”

They went silent, watching each other smile for a moment before Louis shuffled with his feet and pressed a quick kiss to Harry’s cheek. If the streetlight hadn’t been so dimmed Louis would have seen Harry blushing but instead he only saw Harry nervously biting down his lip as well. It was the cutest thing he had ever seen.

“You wanna come and play some playstation tomorrow night at Zayn’s? He’s got the new one. And I guess if Liam comes too you could like test it. You know, for the new flat.”

Harry smiled brightly and lifted Louis’ hands to his lips.

“Alright,” he whispered before kissing them both. Heat overtook Louis’ face now, almost making him dizzy. He purposely didn’t want to ask Harry out on an official date although every part of his body told him to and Harry’s signals clearly were all on green light which was hard for Louis to comprehend. But it was just too soon.

“Okay,” he whispered back without actually knowing why they were whispering. “I’ll text you the address.”

Harry nodded and let go of Louis’ hands. Unsure and undecided they stood there in front of the pub while other people were leaving and eyeing them. Finally Harry let out a laugh and said, “See you then, Lou. I’m really looking forward to it.”

“Me too. Come home safely, yeah?”

“You too. Goodnight.”

“Sweet dreams.”

And then Harry walked down the street, pulled his beanie out and brushed it over his curls. For a moment his watch caught the streetlight, throwing a reflection up the street back to Louis. It was only then Louis realized it had begun snowing.

 

*

 

_**11** _

 

“This…” Louis was breathing heavily.

“… is amazing?” Harry’s hand travelled down Louis’ chest, letting the light chest hair run through his fingers until he reached Louis’ belly button. He then leaned down to kiss it, let his tongue shortly flick over it. Louis moaned. Harry was not being fair. And the shit-eating grin he turned up with again said that he knew it too.

“Well yes,” Louis huffed out, hooking his index fingers under Harry’s belt. “But don’t you think it’s still too soon?”

Harry lied his head to the side, seemingly considering this before shaking his head vehemently, ducking down again to meet Louis’ lips with his. He carefully nibbled at his bottom lip before he suddenly darted his tongue out, running it between both of Louis’ lips. Louis immediately let his mouth fall open so that Harry’s tongue could slip inside, roaming through the inside of his mouth until Louis entangled their tongues for a split second before pushing Harry over.

Harry gasped in mock offense but as fast as Louis’ lips had left as soon they were back on him, tracing down his jaw to his throat. Now sitting astride on top of Harry, Louis grabbed his hands which were fumbling with his zipper and put them down on the bed, holding them in place. Louis now sat up properly, meeting Harry’s eyes again.

“I still kind of regret how we rushed into it the first time.”

“Is this some weird game in which you tease me all day long, get me proper riled up and then you decide to become a ‘romantic’? But wait! How is that romantic? It’s plain out rude. Rude,” he mumbled while he tried to free his hands but Louis was stronger than he thought he were. Harry made a mental note to do 50 more push-ups each day.

Louis smiled but Harry also noted his earnest eyes so he sighed.

“Okay, Lou. We can wait. Please I don’t want to force you to anything, hell no. But it just felt like you wanted it, too, you know?”

“Because I do, of course. You twat. But that’s not the point. Our first time should have been sober and well not a cheating act and most importantly not so soon.”

Louis let go Harry’s hands, spreading his own across Harry’s chest, subconsciously circling Harry’s four nipples with his fingertips.

“Louis,” it still made Louis feel warm and tingely when Harry said his name and they had been hanging out again for almost two months again. Last week they first kissed – again. Yesterday they had their first make our session on Zayn’s couch – who tried his best to ignore the sloppy smacking until he just left his own flat mumbling something about “no spunk”. And well today, today had been planned to be their second make out session.

“Louis, our first time was no cheating act. You were blowing me in the stalls of the bathroom on the camping site.”

Louis slapped his face with both his hands, trying to hide behind them.

“Oh my god, I was trying to forget about that because you got all your spunk on my shirt and everyone asked me what kind of stains that were when we couldn’t get rid of them properly.”

“ _I_ got my spunk all over you? You’re twisting things now, Tomlinson. You said you could swallow!”

Louis’ face was now full on red. Harry laughed at that, poking him into the side.

“Okay, okay,” Louis lifted his hands in admission, “I guess that was the case. Not everyone can be a fucking pornstar at 18, alright? But seriously now, don’t you think we should wait?”

Harry blinked, his face turning serious again.

“No. I want you, you want me. We’re sober. Neither of us is cheating and this is a nice, clean bed. And in any case there are still many ‘firsts’ to come.”

“Like what?”

“Like this would be the first time for us being an official couple. We’re official, right?”  
They hadn’t talked about this yet. But yes, yes, yes. So Louis nodded eagerly. “Hey boyfriend.” Harry beamed.

“And next time it can be the first time you fuck me.” Louis gasped but Harry just gave him cheeky grin.

“And then I could rim you and then you can rim me. I could give you that blowjob I still owe you and so on and so on. Depends really on how kinky you are.”

Louis let out a muffled laugh, pressing his face onto Harry’s stomach.

“You wanna talk about kinky? You want me in a fucking cock costume!”

“That was a metaphor, you dick!”

“And now you call me a dick. Which other metaphor would you want me to dress up as?”

“Asshole? Although that’s not really a metaphor I guess.”

“I can’t fucking believe you! And what kind of metaphor was cock then? Sounds almost like double penetration if you ask me.”

Harry gaped but then he just shrugged. “We could do that. Shit, I had no clue you really were a kinky boy.”

Louis groaned and at the same moment Harry rutted up against him and before he knew what was happening Harry’s long finger traced along the waistband of Louis’ pants.

“So whose dick do you want alongside yours in my bum?” Louis breathed out, feeling his dick harden with every second Harry zipped his jeans open and pushed them down his legs until Louis could kick them off. Harry’s hands immediately wandered back, now squeezing Louis’ bum before drawing circles on Louis pants, dipping lower and lower until his fingertip grazed over his hole, only the pants preventing him from actual skin contact.

“None. Don’t you have a vibrator?”

Louis moaned just at thought of it, and yeah there was no stopping now apparently.

He grinded hard down onto Harry.

“Shit.”

“Does that mean you have one?”

Louis tried hard to concentrate on his fingers, trying to open the buckle of Harry’s belt. Harry was back in total control when he swung Louis around – just like that making short work on his own jeans and well – Harry was commando. Louis swallowed slowly.

Okay, this was happening. Yes, that was Harry’s dick grinding down against his. And that was his lovely cute bum and his smooth stomach. And his eyes and his curls and his everything.

Louis must have been staring – obviously – because Harry snapped with his index finger against Louis’ preleaking dick through his pants. Louis gasped and met Harry’s eyes again who still looked at him quizzically. Defeated, Louis rolled his eyes and nodded. Harry beamed, sinking down on him, licking down his happy trail before he skipped a few inches and took Louis’ cock between his lips, mouthing it through the wet pants.

“Shit, you’re so wet.”

Harry’s lips looked obscene. Red, swollen and combined with his lust in his eyes it made Louis’ toes curl.

“Mmmh,” Louis moaned, throwing his head back, closing his eyes as he felt his cock jump free as Harry slowly took of his pants. Next, there were his long, warm, well defined hands on his base before Harry started licking and sucking at the head. And then Harry’s mouth sunk down onto the whole of him, bopping up and down, hitting the back of his throat even once. When one of Harry’s hands first rolled his balls, tracing circles on them and slightly squeezing them, Louis could feel his orgasm built up.

“Fuck. Shit, so good. Haz,” he panted.

The urge to resist thrusting up into Harry’s mouth was gone. Lifting up Louis pressed his cock down Harry’s throat. But in that moment Harry took the chance and let his little finger graze Louis’ hole dryly. Louis squeezed his eyes shut again, feeling himself hitting the back of Harry’s throat with every thrust and then he saw stars falling down on him.

Harry swallowed almost all of it before he climbed back up with a cheeky grin and let his lips catch Louis’.

“You’re a natural talent, Jesus Christ.”

“Been eating bananas all my life. Not much a secret really.”

“Oh my god.”

“It’s healthy, Louis.”

Harry then looked down at his erection, pressing up against Louis’ stomach when Louis reached down to envelop it with his tiny fingers, jerking slowly while spreading the precome on its length.

“We should take care of this” he simply said. The he leaned back, reached out to his nightstand in which he had his lube and condoms stored.

“Louis, we don’t have to. I said I owed you this blowjob, right?”

“Shut the fuck up and open me up for you, will you?” Louis just snapped impatiently, throwing the lube at Harry who caught it in the air.

“Well, okay. If that’s what you want, I certainly won’t say no.”

“Good. Get to work then!”

“Ah, so pushy. I like it.” Harry laughed.

 

*

 

The difference from having sex about three months ago and doing it now was that this time it wasn’t rough or desperate or clingy or angry. It was slow and smooth and more kissing than actual fucking.

Worn out, cuddled into each other and their own sweat Louis hummed happily.

“I think Liam and Niall should invest in some good earphones.”

Harry grinned smugly. “Zayn too, actually. Now I almost forgot to tell you that he wants to move in our spare room.”

Louis was shocked. “What? You… NO!”

To say Harry was surprised by Louis’ sincere agitation was an understatement. “Why not?”

“Because he’s  _my_ best friend!” Louis said childishly but Harry just laughed.

“Are you jealous?”

“Of course I’m jealous! All my favourite people in the same flat but lonely me. That’s not fair. You’ll be so teaming up on me.”

“Well I would have asked you to move in yourself but it felt a little soon, you know.”

Louis sighed and nuzzled his nose against Harry’s collarbone. “Yeah, I know. You will just have to indulge my bitching then. And!” Louis raised his index and let it pointedly fall on Harry’s chest, poking it where his heart was beating, “and I request a Louis-day at least once a week!”

 

*

 

As things should turn out there was no Louis-day once a week when the new term started two months later and the lads moved their stuff into their new apartment.

For Harry it was Louis-day everyday.

In fact, the first thing Niall said when he arrived with a guitar on his back at the new place was “It already reeks of sex in here.” Louis couldn’t stop smiling at his shoes because Harry and him secretly had christened every room before the lads came down to move their furniture into the flat.

Niall fitted right in. It was almost ridiculous to think that they’d all just met him apart from Harry. He could be obnoxious and loud and Louis loved that. He could play his guitar for hours and sometimes Liam would sit with him in the kitchen and sing along. On thursday nights Harry always cooked for the whole lot of them and when they finished dinner, Niall and Zayn went onto the balcony to share a spliff before joining in on some game on the PS3 – which made a narrow victory over the x box. Harry and Louis would always sneak out at some point, leaving the guys to watch some action flick. And Louis would always spend the night, at any kind of day of the week really.

There should come one point in the near future in which Harry would ask Louis why he even bothered paying rent when he practically lived at his and Louis would agree and officially move into Harry’s room too.

They would spend a whole day at IKEA picking out a new closet because the room couldn’t fit both of their closets and just one couldn’t hold all of their clothes. In the end they would settle on a quite big closet and also pick out two cupboards which were originally thought to be put up in a kitchen but they would hang them over their bed which Louis would only regret once while riding Harry a little too close to the wall so that he hit the top of his head.

But this was still to come. Now it was time for a housewarming party.

“So should I buy a cock costume or is it enough of a housewarming gift to just warm your bed tonight?” Louis beat with his eyelashes obnoxiously.

“Oh my god,” he heard Niall mutter and then the door closed behind him already.

“Hm, the guys voted against the themed party. What a shame. And I already brought Gemma’s Halloween costume.” Harry sighed dramatically, wrapping his arms around Louis, drawing him closer.

“What was Gemma at Halloween, Haz?”

Harry smiled crookedly “Catwoman.” Louis burst out laughing.

“Are you serious? So this kitten thing is a thing?”

Harry just nodded but his eyes got wide and shiney.

“Okay then.”

Harry breathed out and closed his eyes for a second before he lifted a squealing Louis over his shoulder, carrying him into his bedroom. When he set him down, Louis pressed him with a loud thump against the wall, biting down his neck.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Niall yelled through said wall, “Can you please fuck against Zayn’s wall this time?”

They both laughed and yeah, they could do that.

 

*

 

_Fin_

 


End file.
